hm.

[phineasjones]

so, i think i arrived at a decision the other day to find myself some therapy. i've had the idea at the back of my mind for quite a while now. but i've been avoiding it whenever possible. i hate the whole concept that i get stuck in these ruts that i can't get out of without help. professional help, apparently. it happened after college. and i didn't get out of it until i saw a therapist who helped get off my ass and apply to grad school. and now it's happening again and i might as well acknowledge it. if i were advising someone else in my place, i would tell her not to worry about pride and such, just get whatever help she needs. it's really hard to take your own advice in these matters. it's hard not to feel like i'm failing because i can't do this on my own.

i mean, is this going to happen every time i go through some major life change? i'm getting older... will i ever be able to handle this shit on my own? i feel like my abilities to handle my own life have only gone down hill in past years. when i have structure, i'm ok. i excelled in both college and grad school and then just stagnated when i wasn't in school. except in other structured environments, like church. i have no source of self-motivation. why? it's not like i have nothing i want or need to do, it's just that i have no way to make myself do it. and i know how frustrating it must be for people who care about me to see - rach, my parents, my friends - because it frustrates me that much and more.

so, yeah. i'm not going to pretend i know how to fix this on my own anymore. get some help. i'm fortunate enough to have family who will help foot the bill, i might as well do what i can for myself. yeah. but it still feels sad and frustrating not to be able to pull myself out of this.

Comments

[srik.livejournal.com]

good for you! big decisions like this are scary, can i be proud of you, without being condescending? i think so...

Re:

[phineasjones.livejournal.com]

thanks, man. no, i don't feel condescended to, especially because you've discussed some issues of your own in this forum. big decisions are scary, i'll take support where it's offered.

[delirieuse.livejournal.com]

Fark. I have an interview at my uni tomorrow about the fact that I'm failing all my classes because I'm ridiculously depressed, and I think I need to see a therapist too. It's strange how these sorts of coincidences pop up on your friends page...

I must say that overcoming my pride to go to one of these things is a big challenge. :)

Re:

[phineasjones.livejournal.com]

yeah, the pride thing. but, see, i'm ready to tell you that it's not a pride issue... everyone needs some kind of help sometime and blah blah blah. and i really believe all that too, it's just different when it's about yourself.

but i will if you will. :)

good luck at your meeting. ::hugs::

[cimness.livejournal.com]

if therapy *works* to motivate you--if it's a viable "fix"--then it seems to me you're amazingly well-adjusted. therapy has no effect on me except annoyance. and, well, if that kind of structure helps you, that's good, right? at least it's a key--you just need to look for structure. structure chafes me and makes me even more depressed and insane. which is highly unfortunate in school, as i'm sure you can imagine. >.

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[phineasjones.livejournal.com]

well, i'll see if it works. it worked fairly well last time - getting me through one, concrete goal anyway.

you just called me well-adjusted. it seems i will never escape that term.

therapy is, indeed, annoying. and that's another reason for my hesitation. that, and having to discuss the slash addiction with someone who will have no idea what i'm talking about.

but yes, knowing structure is my key is at least a start. it's good that you know that no structure is important for you... though, yes, i could see how school would then be a problem. funny how our issues are opposite but both of us end up flailing about a bit. hrmph.

Re:

[cimness.livejournal.com]

oh, well, discussing slash, yeah. ::snicker::

therapist: and--wait, let me just clarify--these are your... ONLINE friends?

[phineasjones.livejournal.com]

well, really. i feel like i'd have to give a prospective therapist a little form to fill out before entering into things... make sure s/he's gay-friendly and intelligent (like, better at analyzing me than i am) and not going to make me feel freaky about my newfound interests. you know, if a therapist made some interesting points to me about how i turn more to my on-line friends than my real life ones lately, i would listen... but i would not stand for a summary dismissal of the value of said on-line friends. and that concerns me as i make this decision to go find someone who might be able to help me.

[wildgreentide.livejournal.com]

but i would not stand for a summary dismissal of the value of said on-line friends.

Yes, this is what I was going to say before I read your reply. It's really important to find a therapist who won't be judgmental about your interests or the way you live your life, etc.* One of the women on my Buffy board has been in therapy for a while, and when she found someone who was understanding and really interested in the fact that she has lots of good friends that she met online through a Buffy the Vampire Slayer board, she was ecstatic--it's made a huge difference in how effective therapy has been in her life.

*Er, I know that you know this. Just wanted to add my .02, and also my support. :-)

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[phineasjones.livejournal.com]

yeah, that's what i'm talking about. s/he should find it interesting at least... i would love to find someone who already knew about such things as lj and slash, but that would be asking a bit much, i realize. maybe the rule should be that they've at least read harry potter, seen lotr movies and at least a few buffy episodes. :)

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[cimness.livejournal.com]

i had to deal with who the college gave me. even a sucky -ologist can be useful, in that they make you think harder about yourself in order to explain it to them in words of few syllables.

[fearlessdiva.livejournal.com]

It's funny how we have all these issues attached to seeking help for a mental/spiritual/emotional problem, when most of us will blithely run off to a doctor without thinking twice about it.

I was saying this to Mr. Diva just the other day. How is this really any different than going to see your MD when you've got an infection? There's an imbalance, you find the proper treatment to restore (or gain) balance. Sure, therapy is a lot more work than just going to the doctor and getting a prescription for antibiotics (sadly), but I've really gotten to the point where I see it all as being a part of the same process. I don't see going to a counselor as any different from going to an MD, or a massage therapist, or an accupuncturist. It's just all a part of trying to find the very best way you can of taking care of yourself.

And it's a learning process, too, sweetie. Just because you don't have the tools right now to pull yourself out of your doldrums, doesn't mean you won't in the future. I spent most of my life horribly depressed, suicidal at times, stuck in that space and didn't really see a way out of it. But I spent a lot of years in therapy, and tried a bunch of different stuff and eventually got to the point where I figured out what works to pull myself out of it. But it took nearly twenty years to get to the point I'm at now. And I still have minor spells of feeling moody, but they're very short and never very serious. I have the tools I need now to head off a big depression at the pass. So you may get to the point where you are able to figure out what you need to pull yourself out by your bootstraps. But don't feel bad that you need someone to teach you how to do it. That's sort of like feeling bad that you needed someone to teach you how to read. Sure, some people teach themselves to read, but not very many, and how silly is it to imagine that we could get through life without the input and assistance of other people or without giving assistance and input to others?

We spend all these years being taught ways of being in the world that don't work for shit, and then beat ourselves up because they don't work and we don't know what else to do. And everyone's best course is unique, so of course it takes a lot of work to figure it out, and also to learn to ignore the well-meant suggestions of other people which don't work for you. It's no wonder that most of us need therapy/12 step groups/etc. and that those that aren't going really probably ought to be.

Just know that my prayers are with you, and that I am certain that you are going to find everything you need to express your life in the fullest way with the greatest joy.

[phineasjones.livejournal.com]

i'm not sure what to say... mostly you just made me want to hug you and cry and your shoulder. this is really... you're brilliant. everything you say here rings true. i know it's true. and amazingly good to hear. read, whatever.

thank you. i mean, really really thank you. you - this little connection i have to you, and camilla's too - you're a force for good in both of our lives. i'm grateful.

[fearlessdiva.livejournal.com]

Wow, that's really kind of you to say, that I'm a force for good. I really like the sound of that. That's what I wish for, in my best moments. And I'm sure that porn is a part of that mission somehow . . .

Listen, if I can go through all the shit I've been through, and have been as miserable and ready to kill myself as I have been at times in the past, and be as happy and well-adjusted (there's that word again!) as I am now, then I'm sure that you can get to a place of contentment as well. And there's plenty of people far worse off than I can even dream of being who manage bigger miracles every day, too.

Which isn't to say that I'm completely satisfied with my life. I'm still tinkering with it, particularly the music/writing balance and the friends/relationship balance and the laziness/discipline balance. But it's sort of scary to think about just how close I came to moving on to that next plane of existence when I was only in my late teens and early twenties, in comparison to how generally happy I am now. But it took quite a bit of work to get here, and a real willingness to be a different person. The person that I was is mostly gone. I mean, my intellectual interests are the same, and my sense of humor is mostly the same, but the way I approach things is really just completely different. And that's a scary process. And it's a process that doesn't really change, because in the best case scenario we're always evolving and just when you get comfortable with yourself, it's time to stretch to be more.

I hope that eventually I'll get to the point where I don't resist the changes anymore and can be comfortable in the discomfort of going from one metaphysical size to the next. But I'm not there yet, and right now I'm really grappling with that for myself - the way my recent lack of discipline indicates my resistance to being a bigger person. But I am able now to go through the discomfort without thinking that I'm going to die from it, or that I'll never be comfortable again, or even that comfort per se is necessarily a desirable state.

And all this is probably better suited to my other journal than to yours!

You're welcome to cry on my virtual shoulder any time, my dear. Seriously. Send me private email, AIM me, whatever, whenever (contact info's all in my userinfo). I'll be happy to talk with you, delighted and honored, in fact. You're one of my favorite 'net people.

Re:

[phineasjones.livejournal.com]

yeah, i am convinced that the porn is part of the good. *g* - and that's another little something that might make a compatible therapist hard to find.

the fact of there being 'plenty of people far worse off' is maybe part of what makes it so hard to ask for help. i feel like a spoiled brat who's been given so much and i can't do anything with it. but i know that's not a helpful line of thought, hence the decision to get help anyway.

the way my recent lack of discipline indicates my resistance to being a bigger person

the way that sentence makes me want to run and hide is most likely and indication that i share this issue with you. ::cowers::

i'm going to print out these comments of yours and stick them in my paper journal for liesurely perusal in moments of contemplation. you most definitely seem wiser for you trials. i'm so glad you've come to where you are and are willing to share with people like me as we shuffle along.

serious ::hugs::

[camillafarfalla.livejournal.com]

I'd like to chime in here with my own hugs to you both for this conversation (in which I find much of myself, not surprisingly)... Nothing really to add, other than that you're both wonderful. And indeed, Diva, you are a force for much good, and in all seriousness we're lucky to have you. It makes me happy knowing you're out there.

::sappy kisses to you both::

[dancingrain.livejournal.com]

I'm looking for a good, open-minded therapist in our area, too. Let me know if you find anyone good... and congrats/luck on taking the step.

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[phineasjones.livejournal.com]

ok... i guess i knew you were in the area... are you in boston?

and i'll certainly let you know if i find someone worthwhile. i imagine this will take some poking about.

thanks... and maybe the same to you?

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[dancingrain.livejournal.com]

yeah, I'm in Boston, too. Actually not Boston proper, I'm on north half of the red line.

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[phineasjones.livejournal.com]

me too. well, north side of the orange line. ::sigh:: wish i were still by the red line. just a leeetle more convenient to the things that interest me. alas.

[starbuckle.livejournal.com]

oh shit! i so wished i'd been around here yesterday to hold your hand, not that you needed it, but -- shit shit shit. i'll have to settle for being waaaaay down here on the supportive list -- but here nonetheless. i hope you knew that i would be here for you even if i'm late in showing it.

ok, self-aggrandizing over and done with. now, for the support:

counseling has been my friend for many years, even at uptight, conservative Notre Dame. it's not a cure-all, but it can shove you in the right direction, especially when you're already leaning that way and you just need a push. that was usually me -- well-intentioned but occasionally missing The Point, whatever it was at the time. so, as far as i'm concerned, if you have the wherewithal and the intention to be in a counseling kind of situation, go be in it -- it's always at least worth a try, even if it doesn't immediately yield results.

there's my long-winded :::hug::: on that topic.

:::loves you:::

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[phineasjones.livejournal.com]

support given a few hours after the fact still counts as support, especially when it comes from you . *g*

and i sure could use a push... or a shove or whatever it takes. and yeah, i just need to try something and this seems like a good way to go. and all the thumbs up i've been getting in response to this decision are certianly encouraging.

::loves you too:: thanks, sweets.

more support

[hominidj.livejournal.com]

i think you know where i stand on the whole therapy thing. i think just about everyone needs it. and it's not just about fixing something broken, it's also about regular maintenance. not that i don't have some shame about it, but i know at least intellectually that it is a very basic need. having a therapist is like having someone who's sole purpose in your life is to observe you and look for patterns in your behavior and the way you think and feel and then suggest how some patterns might be better than others in terms of reaching the goals you have set, some might benefit from some tweeking, etc. what's great about that is that you can bitch all you want without worrying about what the person you're bitching to thinks about you. you can say all of things that you would be too ashamed to say to some else, even the people who care about you most. and your therapist won't judge you! it's great! once you've gotten the bitching out of the way you can get down to how you are going to deal with the problems you have. i can't recommend it enough. and please don't think that you are a spoiled brat. you may be more fortunate than some people, but that doesn't mean that you don't have problems. and if you have the means to address those problems, then why not address them. you have health insurance and many people do not. if you were sick you'd take full advantage of that, right? but you don't think that makes you a spoiled brat, right? i think it's a similar deal.

Re: more support

[phineasjones.livejournal.com]

::hugs::
thanks man. really. support from you - who have been through so much of this yourself and who know me so well - means very much. i'm really glad i made this choice and it's amazing to see this outpouring of support for it... guess it was a good decision. ::more hugs::