Wow, that's really kind of you to say, that I'm a force for good. I really like the sound of that. That's what I wish for, in my best moments. And I'm sure that porn is a part of that mission somehow . . .
Listen, if I can go through all the shit I've been through, and have been as miserable and ready to kill myself as I have been at times in the past, and be as happy and well-adjusted (there's that word again!) as I am now, then I'm sure that you can get to a place of contentment as well. And there's plenty of people far worse off than I can even dream of being who manage bigger miracles every day, too.
Which isn't to say that I'm completely satisfied with my life. I'm still tinkering with it, particularly the music/writing balance and the friends/relationship balance and the laziness/discipline balance. But it's sort of scary to think about just how close I came to moving on to that next plane of existence when I was only in my late teens and early twenties, in comparison to how generally happy I am now. But it took quite a bit of work to get here, and a real willingness to be a different person. The person that I was is mostly gone. I mean, my intellectual interests are the same, and my sense of humor is mostly the same, but the way I approach things is really just completely different. And that's a scary process. And it's a process that doesn't really change, because in the best case scenario we're always evolving and just when you get comfortable with yourself, it's time to stretch to be more.
I hope that eventually I'll get to the point where I don't resist the changes anymore and can be comfortable in the discomfort of going from one metaphysical size to the next. But I'm not there yet, and right now I'm really grappling with that for myself - the way my recent lack of discipline indicates my resistance to being a bigger person. But I am able now to go through the discomfort without thinking that I'm going to die from it, or that I'll never be comfortable again, or even that comfort per se is necessarily a desirable state.
And all this is probably better suited to my other journal than to yours!
You're welcome to cry on my virtual shoulder any time, my dear. Seriously. Send me private email, AIM me, whatever, whenever (contact info's all in my userinfo). I'll be happy to talk with you, delighted and honored, in fact. You're one of my favorite 'net people.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-02-19 02:19 pm (UTC)Listen, if I can go through all the shit I've been through, and have been as miserable and ready to kill myself as I have been at times in the past, and be as happy and well-adjusted (there's that word again!) as I am now, then I'm sure that you can get to a place of contentment as well. And there's plenty of people far worse off than I can even dream of being who manage bigger miracles every day, too.
Which isn't to say that I'm completely satisfied with my life. I'm still tinkering with it, particularly the music/writing balance and the friends/relationship balance and the laziness/discipline balance. But it's sort of scary to think about just how close I came to moving on to that next plane of existence when I was only in my late teens and early twenties, in comparison to how generally happy I am now. But it took quite a bit of work to get here, and a real willingness to be a different person. The person that I was is mostly gone. I mean, my intellectual interests are the same, and my sense of humor is mostly the same, but the way I approach things is really just completely different. And that's a scary process. And it's a process that doesn't really change, because in the best case scenario we're always evolving and just when you get comfortable with yourself, it's time to stretch to be more.
I hope that eventually I'll get to the point where I don't resist the changes anymore and can be comfortable in the discomfort of going from one metaphysical size to the next. But I'm not there yet, and right now I'm really grappling with that for myself - the way my recent lack of discipline indicates my resistance to being a bigger person. But I am able now to go through the discomfort without thinking that I'm going to die from it, or that I'll never be comfortable again, or even that comfort per se is necessarily a desirable state.
And all this is probably better suited to my other journal than to yours!
You're welcome to cry on my virtual shoulder any time, my dear. Seriously. Send me private email, AIM me, whatever, whenever (contact info's all in my userinfo). I'll be happy to talk with you, delighted and honored, in fact. You're one of my favorite 'net people.