hm.

[phineasjones]

so, i think i arrived at a decision the other day to find myself some therapy. i've had the idea at the back of my mind for quite a while now. but i've been avoiding it whenever possible. i hate the whole concept that i get stuck in these ruts that i can't get out of without help. professional help, apparently. it happened after college. and i didn't get out of it until i saw a therapist who helped get off my ass and apply to grad school. and now it's happening again and i might as well acknowledge it. if i were advising someone else in my place, i would tell her not to worry about pride and such, just get whatever help she needs. it's really hard to take your own advice in these matters. it's hard not to feel like i'm failing because i can't do this on my own.

i mean, is this going to happen every time i go through some major life change? i'm getting older... will i ever be able to handle this shit on my own? i feel like my abilities to handle my own life have only gone down hill in past years. when i have structure, i'm ok. i excelled in both college and grad school and then just stagnated when i wasn't in school. except in other structured environments, like church. i have no source of self-motivation. why? it's not like i have nothing i want or need to do, it's just that i have no way to make myself do it. and i know how frustrating it must be for people who care about me to see - rach, my parents, my friends - because it frustrates me that much and more.

so, yeah. i'm not going to pretend i know how to fix this on my own anymore. get some help. i'm fortunate enough to have family who will help foot the bill, i might as well do what i can for myself. yeah. but it still feels sad and frustrating not to be able to pull myself out of this.

Comments

Re: more support

[phineasjones.livejournal.com]

::hugs::
thanks man. really. support from you - who have been through so much of this yourself and who know me so well - means very much. i'm really glad i made this choice and it's amazing to see this outpouring of support for it... guess it was a good decision. ::more hugs::