hm.

[phineasjones]

so, i think i arrived at a decision the other day to find myself some therapy. i've had the idea at the back of my mind for quite a while now. but i've been avoiding it whenever possible. i hate the whole concept that i get stuck in these ruts that i can't get out of without help. professional help, apparently. it happened after college. and i didn't get out of it until i saw a therapist who helped get off my ass and apply to grad school. and now it's happening again and i might as well acknowledge it. if i were advising someone else in my place, i would tell her not to worry about pride and such, just get whatever help she needs. it's really hard to take your own advice in these matters. it's hard not to feel like i'm failing because i can't do this on my own.

i mean, is this going to happen every time i go through some major life change? i'm getting older... will i ever be able to handle this shit on my own? i feel like my abilities to handle my own life have only gone down hill in past years. when i have structure, i'm ok. i excelled in both college and grad school and then just stagnated when i wasn't in school. except in other structured environments, like church. i have no source of self-motivation. why? it's not like i have nothing i want or need to do, it's just that i have no way to make myself do it. and i know how frustrating it must be for people who care about me to see - rach, my parents, my friends - because it frustrates me that much and more.

so, yeah. i'm not going to pretend i know how to fix this on my own anymore. get some help. i'm fortunate enough to have family who will help foot the bill, i might as well do what i can for myself. yeah. but it still feels sad and frustrating not to be able to pull myself out of this.

Comments

[fearlessdiva.livejournal.com]

Wow, that's really kind of you to say, that I'm a force for good. I really like the sound of that. That's what I wish for, in my best moments. And I'm sure that porn is a part of that mission somehow . . .

Listen, if I can go through all the shit I've been through, and have been as miserable and ready to kill myself as I have been at times in the past, and be as happy and well-adjusted (there's that word again!) as I am now, then I'm sure that you can get to a place of contentment as well. And there's plenty of people far worse off than I can even dream of being who manage bigger miracles every day, too.

Which isn't to say that I'm completely satisfied with my life. I'm still tinkering with it, particularly the music/writing balance and the friends/relationship balance and the laziness/discipline balance. But it's sort of scary to think about just how close I came to moving on to that next plane of existence when I was only in my late teens and early twenties, in comparison to how generally happy I am now. But it took quite a bit of work to get here, and a real willingness to be a different person. The person that I was is mostly gone. I mean, my intellectual interests are the same, and my sense of humor is mostly the same, but the way I approach things is really just completely different. And that's a scary process. And it's a process that doesn't really change, because in the best case scenario we're always evolving and just when you get comfortable with yourself, it's time to stretch to be more.

I hope that eventually I'll get to the point where I don't resist the changes anymore and can be comfortable in the discomfort of going from one metaphysical size to the next. But I'm not there yet, and right now I'm really grappling with that for myself - the way my recent lack of discipline indicates my resistance to being a bigger person. But I am able now to go through the discomfort without thinking that I'm going to die from it, or that I'll never be comfortable again, or even that comfort per se is necessarily a desirable state.

And all this is probably better suited to my other journal than to yours!

You're welcome to cry on my virtual shoulder any time, my dear. Seriously. Send me private email, AIM me, whatever, whenever (contact info's all in my userinfo). I'll be happy to talk with you, delighted and honored, in fact. You're one of my favorite 'net people.

Re:

[phineasjones.livejournal.com]

yeah, i am convinced that the porn is part of the good. *g* - and that's another little something that might make a compatible therapist hard to find.

the fact of there being 'plenty of people far worse off' is maybe part of what makes it so hard to ask for help. i feel like a spoiled brat who's been given so much and i can't do anything with it. but i know that's not a helpful line of thought, hence the decision to get help anyway.

the way my recent lack of discipline indicates my resistance to being a bigger person

the way that sentence makes me want to run and hide is most likely and indication that i share this issue with you. ::cowers::

i'm going to print out these comments of yours and stick them in my paper journal for liesurely perusal in moments of contemplation. you most definitely seem wiser for you trials. i'm so glad you've come to where you are and are willing to share with people like me as we shuffle along.

serious ::hugs::

[camillafarfalla.livejournal.com]

I'd like to chime in here with my own hugs to you both for this conversation (in which I find much of myself, not surprisingly)... Nothing really to add, other than that you're both wonderful. And indeed, Diva, you are a force for much good, and in all seriousness we're lucky to have you. It makes me happy knowing you're out there.

::sappy kisses to you both::