hm.

[phineasjones]

so, i think i arrived at a decision the other day to find myself some therapy. i've had the idea at the back of my mind for quite a while now. but i've been avoiding it whenever possible. i hate the whole concept that i get stuck in these ruts that i can't get out of without help. professional help, apparently. it happened after college. and i didn't get out of it until i saw a therapist who helped get off my ass and apply to grad school. and now it's happening again and i might as well acknowledge it. if i were advising someone else in my place, i would tell her not to worry about pride and such, just get whatever help she needs. it's really hard to take your own advice in these matters. it's hard not to feel like i'm failing because i can't do this on my own.

i mean, is this going to happen every time i go through some major life change? i'm getting older... will i ever be able to handle this shit on my own? i feel like my abilities to handle my own life have only gone down hill in past years. when i have structure, i'm ok. i excelled in both college and grad school and then just stagnated when i wasn't in school. except in other structured environments, like church. i have no source of self-motivation. why? it's not like i have nothing i want or need to do, it's just that i have no way to make myself do it. and i know how frustrating it must be for people who care about me to see - rach, my parents, my friends - because it frustrates me that much and more.

so, yeah. i'm not going to pretend i know how to fix this on my own anymore. get some help. i'm fortunate enough to have family who will help foot the bill, i might as well do what i can for myself. yeah. but it still feels sad and frustrating not to be able to pull myself out of this.

Comments

Re:

[cimness.livejournal.com]

oh, well, discussing slash, yeah. ::snicker::

therapist: and--wait, let me just clarify--these are your... ONLINE friends?

[phineasjones.livejournal.com]

well, really. i feel like i'd have to give a prospective therapist a little form to fill out before entering into things... make sure s/he's gay-friendly and intelligent (like, better at analyzing me than i am) and not going to make me feel freaky about my newfound interests. you know, if a therapist made some interesting points to me about how i turn more to my on-line friends than my real life ones lately, i would listen... but i would not stand for a summary dismissal of the value of said on-line friends. and that concerns me as i make this decision to go find someone who might be able to help me.

[wildgreentide.livejournal.com]

but i would not stand for a summary dismissal of the value of said on-line friends.

Yes, this is what I was going to say before I read your reply. It's really important to find a therapist who won't be judgmental about your interests or the way you live your life, etc.* One of the women on my Buffy board has been in therapy for a while, and when she found someone who was understanding and really interested in the fact that she has lots of good friends that she met online through a Buffy the Vampire Slayer board, she was ecstatic--it's made a huge difference in how effective therapy has been in her life.

*Er, I know that you know this. Just wanted to add my .02, and also my support. :-)

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[phineasjones.livejournal.com]

yeah, that's what i'm talking about. s/he should find it interesting at least... i would love to find someone who already knew about such things as lj and slash, but that would be asking a bit much, i realize. maybe the rule should be that they've at least read harry potter, seen lotr movies and at least a few buffy episodes. :)

Re:

[cimness.livejournal.com]

i had to deal with who the college gave me. even a sucky -ologist can be useful, in that they make you think harder about yourself in order to explain it to them in words of few syllables.