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phineasjonesi spend so much time contemplating them. playing out a thousand versions of their story. and they all hurt and they're all somehow beautiful.
i'm trapped in them now, having sat here all morning reading cim and wax's story instead of doing the things i need to.
why? you know, i really don't know this. i fall for other pairs, for other loves... frodo and sam. i believe that one completely and love them and sometimes, weepy girl that i am, i can cry a little for them. i understand how scott gets about willow and tara. for a while, i was dizzy with harry/draco possibilities. ivy can make me feel so much for them. but what the hell is it with these two? these two characters from a children's story who regularly undo me? i don't have to be reading about them, i can just contemplate them and find myself paralyzed.
there a degree to which it's empathy, something of which i may have too much... i get hurt for other people, feel embarrassed for other people, love with other people, feel afraid for them, get angry with them. it's what makes me so intensely concerned with people being nice to each other. because if someone's not, then i'm going to feel the hurt they cause - doesn't matter to whom. i don't even always like winning games or arguments because i immediately think about how my opponent must feel to lose.
so here's a story that catches me, no matter how it goes. no matter the details. there are so many pieces and any of them can catch me up.
i don't know. i have no point. i'm just rambling. i'm just crying about them again and wondering where it all comes from.
when cim tells me a moment is over-dramatic, i can see she's right. i can see it was me slipping in there for a minute and trying to tell everyone the scope of what's going on here. the epic tragedy of it all. it'll come through without me talking. it always does. you can't get away from it. i can't, anyway.
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(no subject)
Date: 2003-02-13 10:03 am (UTC)I just wanted to say that I feel what you feel, I know what you mean, I sympathize with you.
I'm not undone by just remus/sirius, but the HP fandom in general. The books themselves, all the characters, the fanfiction, even the movies affect me on some deeper base level of myself to the point where I weep for the reality of it all. Because it is all so real to me- the people, the places... so real that sometimes it hurts. I don't think I make any sense at all. Oh well. <33 @ you.
Re:
Date: 2003-02-14 08:33 am (UTC)hm. am not coherent. but yeah. what you said.
also, love the icon.
Willow & Tara
Date: 2003-02-13 02:14 pm (UTC)I think it's because they are the characters I identify with most on the show, and in television in general. I mean, there's a lot of Xander in me/me in Xander (oops, am I getting slashy?) But I REALLY identified with Willow for seasons 1 - 3 and then she started to get more assertive and confident and then Boom! There was Tara with her awkward shyness and I thought Ahhh... There is me again. She acts like how I feel. So there is the whole, the characters I can identify with and most realistically interact with, they mean the most to me. But then, These characters are also so...pure. They are Good. Everything they do comes from the best intentions. So I also look up to them. And to see them torn apart, to see something SO good and so representative of me to some extent get extinguished... I feel with them, I feel for them... it breaks my heart just thinking about it.
Damn, now I miss Tara again. :)
Re: Willow & Tara
Date: 2003-02-13 02:49 pm (UTC)::breathes::
because i can't say anything i want to say in response to what you said. rrgrgr. except... nope. can't say that either.
but yeah, what you said here is brilliant. i would add on if it weren't going to spoil the bejeezus out of you. not that it seems remotely possible that you'll make it to the summer of 2004 without knowing some of these things...
how are you doing with this new willow gf?
Re: Willow & Tara
Date: 2003-02-13 03:48 pm (UTC)Yeah, right.
You know, if they just had Willow launch into another relationship, I would be devastated. But acknowledging the whole Tara thing, Willow's guilt, the near-recreation of Tara's death. It was perfect. It was closure for me. I know Tara is still in Willow's heart and I can let her move on.
Re: Willow & Tara
Date: 2003-02-14 08:28 am (UTC)yeah, good point. i like kennedy, personally. you're in a healthy place about this. if there were a similar sirius/remus situation, i think i would burn the books. they're 2getha 4eva and that's all there is to it.
hhahah. ok. no. not really. but. kind of.
Re: Willow & Tara
Date: 2003-02-14 08:57 am (UTC)Screaming up a shitstorm?!
Re: Willow & Tara
Date: 2003-02-14 09:02 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-02-13 08:31 pm (UTC)so much of what you said simply brought me to my knees. i really was not exaggerating when i said that reading your work made me cry real tears. something in the very story and characters of s/r is somehow even more moving than even the best H/D. and here i feel ridiculous for abbreviating these relationships when what i really want to do is caress them and immerse myself in them.
i have a feeling that it has something to do with archetypes and the idea that these are all a fundamental part of the human unconscious. enemies who see through the hate to the human and love it, old friends who are parted by fate and misfortune (the inscription (http://www.englishhistory.net/byron/poems/fare.html) of Byron's Fare Thee Well as well as B's poem, to an extent, and Christabel from which it is taken [the lines are actually about two neighboring kings] are so expressive of this everlasting tragedy)... i don't know. i imagine that slash is a way of purifying, distilling those relationships in a way so that sex is love and love is clean, not sullied by hormones, or dirty in the way that m/f sex always seems to me because of all of the ubiquitous expectations and chemicals that damage the purity of the strain. not really what i wanted to say, but it leaves me speechless, too.
living in a lifelong empathy OD? check. this (http://www.hsperson.com/index.html) is my latest theory. most of the time, i'm thankful for the gift of feeling that much more. but sometimes it leads to self-reproach. don't.
the dar song is your s/r song, no? anyway... sorry to write you a comment novel. just wanted to let you know that i'm right there with you, drowning.
Re:
Date: 2003-02-14 08:20 am (UTC)and i went and took the hsp test thingy. it says if you say yes to14 or more, you are likely and hsp... i had 22. :) yeah. wow. i'll have to read up on that some more.
yes, the dar song is the s/r song. and... i didn' start listening to it again til yesterday... and i realized my story is practically a song fic... check out these lyrics -
it happens every day at the crossing of the street
looking out to see what's new and what is still the same
and the only word for love is everybody's name
and that will always stay
happens every day
and every day will happen without you
i've just become so obsessed with this idea lately - the every day of remus' life without sirius. how he must just have to focus on getting through every moment... until it turns into routine and maybe he can try not to think so much. but really every thing he does, he's just waiting. every banal act is preparation of some sort.
meep. i'm undone again. i haven't been sleeping enough and it makes me extra susceptible.
i also wanted to tell you just how much i appreciated your beta. i wish i had had the time to do multiple drafts and have some dialogue. your comments were so right on. thank you for that.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-02-14 06:34 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2003-02-14 08:04 am (UTC)i see this through remus' eyes - he had a sad childhood, sirius made him happy. then sirius (he thought) took away everything that he loved. remus was left completely alone for 12 years. and then he finds out that he was wrong... that this is partly his own fault for not trusting sirius more... and they can be together again but so much is changed and so much is dead and gone. there's so much pain there but it's because there's so much love. and, right, they are good people - always trying to do what's right and it has gone so wrong for them. but they keep trying. who could not love them?
if i say "me too" does that make it true?
Date: 2003-02-14 10:57 am (UTC)will try harder, of course, to feel as deeply as the rest of you, but please don't hate me if i don't quite make it -- i'll still be here, watching, wishing ...
yes.
Re: if i say "me too" does that make it true?
Date: 2003-02-14 02:09 pm (UTC)but no! there will be no hating! you have your things, i have mine and anney has hers... and everyone else has his/hers too. and that's just peachy. unless you shipped snape/remus or sirius/draco or something like that. then we'd be in for some trouble.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-02-14 02:59 pm (UTC)i'll try to keep my passions mainstream. ;)
:::kisses from my side of the window:::