s/r

[phineasjones]

i spend so much time contemplating them. playing out a thousand versions of their story. and they all hurt and they're all somehow beautiful.

i'm trapped in them now, having sat here all morning reading cim and wax's story instead of doing the things i need to.

why? you know, i really don't know this. i fall for other pairs, for other loves... frodo and sam. i believe that one completely and love them and sometimes, weepy girl that i am, i can cry a little for them. i understand how scott gets about willow and tara. for a while, i was dizzy with harry/draco possibilities. ivy can make me feel so much for them. but what the hell is it with these two? these two characters from a children's story who regularly undo me? i don't have to be reading about them, i can just contemplate them and find myself paralyzed.

there a degree to which it's empathy, something of which i may have too much... i get hurt for other people, feel embarrassed for other people, love with other people, feel afraid for them, get angry with them. it's what makes me so intensely concerned with people being nice to each other. because if someone's not, then i'm going to feel the hurt they cause - doesn't matter to whom. i don't even always like winning games or arguments because i immediately think about how my opponent must feel to lose.

so here's a story that catches me, no matter how it goes. no matter the details. there are so many pieces and any of them can catch me up.

i don't know. i have no point. i'm just rambling. i'm just crying about them again and wondering where it all comes from.

when cim tells me a moment is over-dramatic, i can see she's right. i can see it was me slipping in there for a minute and trying to tell everyone the scope of what's going on here. the epic tragedy of it all. it'll come through without me talking. it always does. you can't get away from it. i can't, anyway.