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anniesj, i was going to write you smut. really. but. nope. you asked for sirius/remus involving water. that made me think of the raymond carver poem where water comes together with other water. which has the lines, I'm 45 years old today.
Would anyone believe it if I said
I was once 35?
My heart empty and sear at 35!
Five more years had to pass
before it began to flow again
which in turn made me think of his poem, rain which has these lines,
Would I live my life over again?
Make the same unforgivable mistakes?
Yes, given half a chance. Yes.
which led me to write something. in which sirius comes back. i am generally not supportive of such fics, because i need to believe he's really dead for my own mental health. and this fic is kind of about that. yes. kind of. and i think this is a draft... may send to beta. not sure. thanks to
mmm_cake for checking for spelling and typos.Sirius is on the front steps, knees drawn to his chest, shivering violently. What remains of his clothing hangs off him in filthy shreds. He looks up as Remus approaches and opens his mouth, saying nothing.
As Remus leads him inside, Sirius is shaking too much to walk without leaning on him. Remus brings him to the bathtub and holds him to his side as he fills the tub with warm water.
Sirius exhales slowly and closes his eyes as Remus lowers him into the water. He pushes Sirius’ hair off his face, rubs the dirt from his cheek, and waits until he is completely still, his breathing deep and regular. Then he leaves the room and closes the door.
He doesn’t cry, but his body heaves as though it wants to. His fingers go to his hair and hold, and pull. His knees wobble and he sits heavily on the floor, shaking now with the effort of remaining silent.
* * * * *
One night two years before, coming home once again to his dark and empty cottage, Remus gave up. “Let go,” everyone said, and he did. He gathered every one of Sirius’ belongings, gave some to Harry and burned the rest, whispering goodbye into the smoke.
He trained himself to use the past tense. He started reading the Prophet again. He went on one date with Bill Weasley.
One year later, he found Sirius’ Gryffindor scarf in the back of his wardrobe and left it there without touching it.
* * * * *
Remus does not know what will happen now – where Sirius has been, why he is back, whether he is still sane, still human. He could owl Dumbledore or Harry right now and give Sirius over to their care, let him be their concern.
He releases his hold on his hair and the shaking subsides. He looks to his writing table, the quill waiting there, and then to the door behind him.
Sirius is alive. Sirius came back. Again. And now it is for Remus to decide whether he is willing to try yet again, whether he is willing to open himself to the possibility of another devastation. He is not certain whether he has a heart left to break, but surely, if he walks back in that room, he will risk whatever he does have. He wonders whether there is a limit to the pain one person can live through and thinks immediately, unintentionally, of Harry.
He hears the movement of water behind the door and he starts. The water must be cooling by now. Remus gets to his feet. He opens the door, goes to Sirius, and draws his wand to reheat the water.
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(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-27 11:07 am (UTC)Oh, yes. This is what's forgotten when people bring back Sirius. No one knows what has come back. And how much would your lover/friend who's been hurt by your defection/death twice before be willing to risk.
You do a nice job showing us what Remus has given up and what he must choose now. And I like how you bring in Harry, and then Remus goes back to help Sirius. Nicely done. I enjoyed this. If you went farther I would also enjoy it. *g*
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-28 07:13 pm (UTC)yes, see, it's exactly what i'm afraid of too. that by the time the next book is out, i'll have mourned for sirius and remus and all and then she'll do something stupid like let harry talk to him somehow or, i don't know, something that will not be emotionally satisying for remus and i'll be scarred for life and wah, maybe i take this all a little bit too seriously.
thank you for the lovely comments.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-27 11:11 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-28 07:14 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-27 11:22 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-28 07:14 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-27 12:53 pm (UTC)I love this line. (Though it does have a little typo.)
He is not certain whether her has a heart left to break, but surely, if he walks back in that room, he will risk whatever he does have.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-28 07:17 pm (UTC)thanks for the heads up on the typo. fixed.
and thank you.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-27 01:51 pm (UTC)*weeps more*
*sobs in the middle of the office*
OMG. OMG. I'm writing my Bring Back Black story and I hit a snag and decide I need an lj-reward, and then my heart is shattered into a zillion pieces.
i am generally not supportive of such fics, because i need to believe he's really dead for my own mental health.
This I understand. Completely. Writing Sirius coming back is a big risk for me, emotionally, because thinking too much about OotP, even now, can destroy me emotionally for an entire day. And that's why I'm writing tons of goofy, silly humor into my BBB story, because I didn't know if I was ready to deal with the real intensity of anything else. But you have, and you're brave, and brilliant, and so inspiring.
*breathes*
This story is incredible. OMG.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-28 07:30 pm (UTC)one thing about writing all this stuff at work is that i just take out the little pieces of wire paper and go. not with much of a plan. and so i tell myself these stories. and so it's not really being brave at all... i think i was just explaining to myself why sirius can't come back. because lately i've been slipping and wanting him to so badly.
but really, that's not exactly what this story is either. because in the end, remus of course goes to him. and maybe it's good, even for a day. and i would be happy for even that much for them.
i don't know if you know ray carver poetry (i love it, omg) but he was dying when he wrote those poems i quoted. he was told he had 6 months to live and then lives for years and years (i can't remember how many, manye 10 or more). and he had had a crappy life and treated people badly and then turned it around when he thought he would die and found a woman that he loved and was pretty happy for all those years that he expected death any day. there's one totally amazing poem about that - probably more than one - and how he wishes to die slowly in a hospital so he has time to see his loved ones all once more.
If I'm unlucky, as I deserve, well, I'll just
drop over, like that, without any chance
for farewell, or to press anyone's hand.
meepsirius.
ok, how did i get off on this tangent? ::rereads:: oh yes. i guess i was just thinking that it's a little like that. that sirius just dropped away so suddenly... and that if he could come back even just to say goodbye that, yes, it would be something. and i think remus would give over everything he has to have that. the remus in my head isn't as butch and stubborn as many people's, but he's strong and he's self-protective. but i think he's known for a very, very long time that sirius can - and will - hurt him. and that he loves him anyway, completely, and will let it happen if it has to.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-24 01:06 pm (UTC)Meep, I'm getting nibbled to death by plot bunnies here... x.x
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-27 02:30 pm (UTC)that having been said, this is beautiful. i can feel how much you care about this pairing in every word you chose.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-29 03:41 am (UTC)that is funny. yeah. i feel like remus would be very aware of harry and all he's gone through. after all, they watch sirius die together. and remus clearly cares about him. and yeah. yeah.
you are still the only one who can get me to read this pairing
this is ironic, as i write so little of it. go read the one i recced last night. it's fucking hot. :)
but i'm very, very happy that you read this and that you liked it. and this - i can feel how much you care about this pairing in every word you chose.
- is a wonderful thing to say. ::hugs::
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-27 03:40 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-29 03:42 am (UTC)that would be nice, wouldn't it?
thank you so much.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-27 07:14 pm (UTC)Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU. :)
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-29 03:43 am (UTC)better than smut? ::eyes you warily::
but no, thank you. ANGSTY FUCKING BEAUTY is what these boys are all about for me. oh, and great, true love and hot, hot sex. right.
but it means a lot to me that you like this, as it is for you.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-27 08:54 pm (UTC)You always know just how to make it hurt the most.
that's beautiful.
*sniffles*
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-29 03:44 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-28 05:12 am (UTC)*loves*
*adds to memories*
Pretty and painful and ohhh.
He trained himself to use the past tense.
and
One year later, he found Sirius’ Gryffindor scarf in the back of his wardrobe and left it there without touching it.
You killed me.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-28 08:20 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-29 03:50 am (UTC)(oops, heh, puppies)
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-29 03:45 am (UTC):) but thank you for reading and commenting. and for your lovely words.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-29 02:29 am (UTC)loved the scarf and thinking of harry and someone else's comment that perhaps this is third time lucky. i hadn't thought about it like that before.
and i love the poetry. will be off to find some of that now i think.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-29 03:46 am (UTC)thank you so much for your comments.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-29 02:31 am (UTC)The reason I don't hate this fic: It doesn't.
I just love it. It's perfect. It doesn't need to be longer, and it doesn't need anything added to it. Fantastic.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-29 03:49 am (UTC)thank you so much for reading and for you lovely comments.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-03 05:20 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-07 02:18 pm (UTC)and thank you for the rec too. ::hugs::
(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-03 09:25 pm (UTC)Wow.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-07 10:12 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-04 03:49 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-07 10:17 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-04 08:01 pm (UTC)And now it is for Remus to decide whether he is willing to try yet again, whether he is willing to open himself to the possibility of another devastation. He is not certain whether he has a heart left to break, but surely, if he walks back in that room, he will risk whatever he does have.
Excellent. Perfection.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-07 03:53 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-07 12:22 pm (UTC)yes, why is it that harry is the kick to the stomach in s/r? and you just made me cry again, damn you, jones. the pain of burning all of sirius' things, of finding the scarf, and leaving it, is all so real... want more.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-07 04:20 pm (UTC)thank you, dearest.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-24 01:01 pm (UTC)I like the mention of the date with Bill Weasley. ~_^
::sigh:: The poor dears. There's so much angst in their relationship. How many times have they been taken away from each other? At what point *do* they stop trying? At what point do they decide to spare each other the pain?
Oi. Loved the fic. You turn a phrase quite well. ^_^
(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-25 04:11 am (UTC)thanks for reading and for your feedback - it's greatly appreciated.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-08-15 10:47 pm (UTC)He is not certain whether he has a heart left to break, but surely, if he walks back in that room, he will risk whatever he does have.
Remus, oh, Remus! That was just so stark and painful and good.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-08-16 12:39 pm (UTC)feedback on old stories - it's the gift that keeps on giving. :)
really, i'm happy it resonated with you. thanks for reading.