ficlet

[phineasjones]

anniesj, i was going to write you smut. really. but. nope. you asked for sirius/remus involving water. that made me think of the raymond carver poem where water comes together with other water. which has the lines,

I'm 45 years old today.
Would anyone believe it if I said
I was once 35?
My heart empty and sear at 35!
Five more years had to pass
before it began to flow again

which in turn made me think of his poem, rain which has these lines,

Would I live my life over again?
Make the same unforgivable mistakes?
Yes, given half a chance. Yes.

which led me to write something. in which sirius comes back. i am generally not supportive of such fics, because i need to believe he's really dead for my own mental health. and this fic is kind of about that. yes. kind of. and i think this is a draft... may send to beta. not sure. thanks to mmm_cake for checking for spelling and typos.


Sirius is on the front steps, knees drawn to his chest, shivering violently. What remains of his clothing hangs off him in filthy shreds. He looks up as Remus approaches and opens his mouth, saying nothing.

As Remus leads him inside, Sirius is shaking too much to walk without leaning on him. Remus brings him to the bathtub and holds him to his side as he fills the tub with warm water.

Sirius exhales slowly and closes his eyes as Remus lowers him into the water. He pushes Sirius’ hair off his face, rubs the dirt from his cheek, and waits until he is completely still, his breathing deep and regular. Then he leaves the room and closes the door.

He doesn’t cry, but his body heaves as though it wants to. His fingers go to his hair and hold, and pull. His knees wobble and he sits heavily on the floor, shaking now with the effort of remaining silent.

* * * * *
One night two years before, coming home once again to his dark and empty cottage, Remus gave up. “Let go,” everyone said, and he did. He gathered every one of Sirius’ belongings, gave some to Harry and burned the rest, whispering goodbye into the smoke.

He trained himself to use the past tense. He started reading the Prophet again. He went on one date with Bill Weasley.

One year later, he found Sirius’ Gryffindor scarf in the back of his wardrobe and left it there without touching it.

* * * * *
Remus does not know what will happen now – where Sirius has been, why he is back, whether he is still sane, still human. He could owl Dumbledore or Harry right now and give Sirius over to their care, let him be their concern.

He releases his hold on his hair and the shaking subsides. He looks to his writing table, the quill waiting there, and then to the door behind him.

Sirius is alive. Sirius came back. Again. And now it is for Remus to decide whether he is willing to try yet again, whether he is willing to open himself to the possibility of another devastation. He is not certain whether he has a heart left to break, but surely, if he walks back in that room, he will risk whatever he does have. He wonders whether there is a limit to the pain one person can live through and thinks immediately, unintentionally, of Harry.

He hears the movement of water behind the door and he starts. The water must be cooling by now. Remus gets to his feet. He opens the door, goes to Sirius, and draws his wand to reheat the water.

Comments

[byandby.livejournal.com]

Wow. Great ficlet. Absolutely loved it.

And now it is for Remus to decide whether he is willing to try yet again, whether he is willing to open himself to the possibility of another devastation. He is not certain whether he has a heart left to break, but surely, if he walks back in that room, he will risk whatever he does have.

Excellent. Perfection.

[phineasjones.livejournal.com]

wow, thank you. so very much. i'm so glad you came by to read.