ficlet

[phineasjones]

anniesj, i was going to write you smut. really. but. nope. you asked for sirius/remus involving water. that made me think of the raymond carver poem where water comes together with other water. which has the lines,

I'm 45 years old today.
Would anyone believe it if I said
I was once 35?
My heart empty and sear at 35!
Five more years had to pass
before it began to flow again

which in turn made me think of his poem, rain which has these lines,

Would I live my life over again?
Make the same unforgivable mistakes?
Yes, given half a chance. Yes.

which led me to write something. in which sirius comes back. i am generally not supportive of such fics, because i need to believe he's really dead for my own mental health. and this fic is kind of about that. yes. kind of. and i think this is a draft... may send to beta. not sure. thanks to mmm_cake for checking for spelling and typos.


Sirius is on the front steps, knees drawn to his chest, shivering violently. What remains of his clothing hangs off him in filthy shreds. He looks up as Remus approaches and opens his mouth, saying nothing.

As Remus leads him inside, Sirius is shaking too much to walk without leaning on him. Remus brings him to the bathtub and holds him to his side as he fills the tub with warm water.

Sirius exhales slowly and closes his eyes as Remus lowers him into the water. He pushes Sirius’ hair off his face, rubs the dirt from his cheek, and waits until he is completely still, his breathing deep and regular. Then he leaves the room and closes the door.

He doesn’t cry, but his body heaves as though it wants to. His fingers go to his hair and hold, and pull. His knees wobble and he sits heavily on the floor, shaking now with the effort of remaining silent.

* * * * *
One night two years before, coming home once again to his dark and empty cottage, Remus gave up. “Let go,” everyone said, and he did. He gathered every one of Sirius’ belongings, gave some to Harry and burned the rest, whispering goodbye into the smoke.

He trained himself to use the past tense. He started reading the Prophet again. He went on one date with Bill Weasley.

One year later, he found Sirius’ Gryffindor scarf in the back of his wardrobe and left it there without touching it.

* * * * *
Remus does not know what will happen now – where Sirius has been, why he is back, whether he is still sane, still human. He could owl Dumbledore or Harry right now and give Sirius over to their care, let him be their concern.

He releases his hold on his hair and the shaking subsides. He looks to his writing table, the quill waiting there, and then to the door behind him.

Sirius is alive. Sirius came back. Again. And now it is for Remus to decide whether he is willing to try yet again, whether he is willing to open himself to the possibility of another devastation. He is not certain whether he has a heart left to break, but surely, if he walks back in that room, he will risk whatever he does have. He wonders whether there is a limit to the pain one person can live through and thinks immediately, unintentionally, of Harry.

He hears the movement of water behind the door and he starts. The water must be cooling by now. Remus gets to his feet. He opens the door, goes to Sirius, and draws his wand to reheat the water.

Comments

[afrikate.livejournal.com]

And now it is for Remus to decide whether he is willing to try yet again, whether he is willing to open himself to the possibility of another devastation.

Oh, yes. This is what's forgotten when people bring back Sirius. No one knows what has come back. And how much would your lover/friend who's been hurt by your defection/death twice before be willing to risk.

You do a nice job showing us what Remus has given up and what he must choose now. And I like how you bring in Harry, and then Remus goes back to help Sirius. Nicely done. I enjoyed this. If you went farther I would also enjoy it. *g*

[marginalia.livejournal.com]

i don't know if i can say anything about this right now, because the words are all stuck in a lump in the back of my throat. but i think it will be some time before i stop thinking about it.

[minervacat.livejournal.com]

oh, phin. oh, yes.

[semielliptical]

This is heartbreaking, and frightening - not knowing what Sirius really is, now. I don't often think about Sirius coming back because it seems like it could be either a superficial story, or just too painful to imagine. But I'm glad I read this.

I love this line. (Though it does have a little typo.)
He is not certain whether her has a heart left to break, but surely, if he walks back in that room, he will risk whatever he does have.

[jjtaylor.livejournal.com]

*weeps*

*weeps more*

*sobs in the middle of the office*

OMG. OMG. I'm writing my Bring Back Black story and I hit a snag and decide I need an lj-reward, and then my heart is shattered into a zillion pieces.


i am generally not supportive of such fics, because i need to believe he's really dead for my own mental health.

This I understand. Completely. Writing Sirius coming back is a big risk for me, emotionally, because thinking too much about OotP, even now, can destroy me emotionally for an entire day. And that's why I'm writing tons of goofy, silly humor into my BBB story, because I didn't know if I was ready to deal with the real intensity of anything else. But you have, and you're brave, and brilliant, and so inspiring.

*breathes*

This story is incredible. OMG.

[starbuckle.livejournal.com]

you are still the only one who can get me to read this pairing, so of course i had to laugh because, as i'm reading and feeling and analyzing and thinking and, well, the long and the short of it is the line that got me is, of course, a harry line: He wonders whether there is a limit to the pain one person can live through and thinks immediately, unintentionally, of Harry. that's just brilliant. and ... i'm such an overwhelmingly harry girl. there is no cure.

that having been said, this is beautiful. i can feel how much you care about this pairing in every word you chose.

[horatia.livejournal.com]

Cheer up, Mooney, maybe third time's the charm. Wonderful fic with just the right wary/hopeful mood.

[anniesj.livejournal.com]

Oh. OH. DUDE. This is SO much better than smut. This is ANGSTY FUCKING BEAUTY right here. Oh my GOD. WOW. *gapes* I *love* this angle, the way Remus is wary of having Sirius back, scared of the inevitable heartbreak. SO fucking good.

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU. :)

[musesfool.livejournal.com]

Oh. Oh.

You always know just how to make it hurt the most.

that's beautiful.

*sniffles*

[teaspoon.livejournal.com]

*blubs*
*loves*
*adds to memories*

Pretty and painful and ohhh.

He trained himself to use the past tense.

and

One year later, he found Sirius’ Gryffindor scarf in the back of his wardrobe and left it there without touching it.

You killed me.

[aralias.livejournal.com]

i was going to pick bits out but that will take too long i think. is beautifully.... well it's beautiful, how's that?

loved the scarf and thinking of harry and someone else's comment that perhaps this is third time lucky. i hadn't thought about it like that before.

and i love the poetry. will be off to find some of that now i think.

[smithy161.livejournal.com]

The reason I hate Sirius Returns From The Dead fics: they make redundant all the raw emotion of his death.
The reason I don't hate this fic: It doesn't.

I just love it. It's perfect. It doesn't need to be longer, and it doesn't need anything added to it. Fantastic.

[glitterdemon.livejournal.com]

oh, oh.

[book-wyrm.livejournal.com]

Wow. This is amazing, its touching, its haunting. I'm not usually a fan of the Sirius-comes-back fics, either, and you nailed the reason why.

Wow.

[dorrie6.livejournal.com]

I really love this ficlet. I'm too sleepy this morning to actually say why or anything else that authors like to (and deserve to) hear, but I can at least tell you that. I really love this. Maybe it's because I came to the end wondering if it was even real, or just a figment of Remus' grief-induced imagination.

[byandby.livejournal.com]

Wow. Great ficlet. Absolutely loved it.

And now it is for Remus to decide whether he is willing to try yet again, whether he is willing to open himself to the possibility of another devastation. He is not certain whether he has a heart left to break, but surely, if he walks back in that room, he will risk whatever he does have.

Excellent. Perfection.

[madmadharri.livejournal.com]

He wonders whether there is a limit to the pain one person can live through and thinks immediately, unintentionally, of Harry.

yes, why is it that harry is the kick to the stomach in s/r? and you just made me cry again, damn you, jones. the pain of burning all of sirius' things, of finding the scarf, and leaving it, is all so real... want more.

[jemariel.livejournal.com]

Remus Lupin is an incredible man. With the whole... pain. Owie. Mommy it hurts. And you write him that way. I will love you forever.

I like the mention of the date with Bill Weasley. ~_^

::sigh:: The poor dears. There's so much angst in their relationship. How many times have they been taken away from each other? At what point *do* they stop trying? At what point do they decide to spare each other the pain?

Oi. Loved the fic. You turn a phrase quite well. ^_^

[unamaga.livejournal.com]

Oh, ow.

He is not certain whether he has a heart left to break, but surely, if he walks back in that room, he will risk whatever he does have.

Remus, oh, Remus! That was just so stark and painful and good.