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phineasjonesfirst thing sunday, i had to get up, shower and dry my hair to be ready for the styling. we bridesmaids all gathered in SB's room for the primping. once again, i enjoyed the pampering. sandra did my hair up in a fashion that made it look longer than it actually is. i looked somewhere between a victorian lady and a southern belle. lots of curls piled atop my head and a few dangling around my face. and more hairspray than i have ever seen used in one place before. and then fun make up too. i was looking very shiny. in a good way.
mmm... boring time passed, waiting for everyone to be done up and all. then we went to the mansion that was the wedding site. i was in a car with SB, her mom and V - the maid of honor. SB drove - veil in her hair and all. and she drove like a fucking maniac. i thought she was going to kill us all. and she wouldn't let me drive. eek.
talk in the car was interesting - gay marriage. i had always assumed a certain conservativeness in her mother - probably because she is a very catholic woman and generally high strung and concerned with appearances and such. come to find out that one of her brothers was gay. and had died a few years ago of aids. his long time partner was at the wedding. i had no idea. she was very open talking about it and talking to me about rachael. i was touched and again felt guilty about previous feelings about this family. clearly, i'm not the only one growing and changing.
the mansion was lovely. we all got SB into her dress - which was gorgeous - and doused her with champagne. then there was an extremely long photo session. then the signing of the ketubah. which was really nice. i discovered in a whispered conversation with V that SB had indeed converted to judaism. this must have given her mother a heart attack. i would have loved to see it. heheehe.
the wedding was outside, by water, under a chuppah. it was a very nice ceremony and all i had to do was walk down the aisle and stand there and then walk back. i did my part.
then the reception. N from high school was there. it was great catching up with her and meeting her husband. really great, actually. i was glad they were there - people i actually wanted to talk to.
i had fun at the reception. the band was cheezerific but i wasn't likely to be seeing anyone there again so i dorked out with abandon. danced all over. rach and i danced together amidst stares from M's side of the family. but SB's mother made a point of coming and telling us that we looked great dancing together. and her sisters were similarly supportive and friendly. that means so much to me - for people to make an overt gesture of welcome like that makes all the difference. we were going to be there anyway, doing our thing the way we do it. but to have SB's mom basically tell us that she was totally cool with us... it makes it feel less like rebellion and more like we're a part of things. which is a wonderful feeling.
but. yeah, there's a reason i called it heterofest 2003. i think a lot of people assumed rach was another bridesmaid most of the weekend (before the ceremony). at the rehearsal dinner, we had practically a boy table and a girl table. and there were all the jokes - 'the bridesmaid who eats that chicken head will be the first one to marry.' which was like, 'ha ha' the first time someone said it. but, you know, a comment like that, thoughtless and innocent as it may be, is exclusive in many ways. and in the photo sessions... there was the picture of M with all the bridesmaids where we were all supposed to pretend to kiss him. i just smiled.
the thing is, i know no one was being homophobic necessarily... but it's the assuming that hurts. this is my advice to the straight crowd and it's nothing new: never assume. it's those moments of assumption that make me feel like i'm on the outside, like those are not my people. because their view of the world doesn't include me - they look at me and see something that isn't really there. and it's hard, i know it is, to remember to include possibilities that are not yours. it's easier from a minority perspective - we're always aware of the other. it's everywhere. but it's an effort worth making... i feel like this is what 'pc' was before it was co-opted by the right and called 'pc' and used to make liberals look silly. really, it was an honest effort by people to include everyone - to the extent that it's possible. to not use language and assumptions to lock people out. because it happens. all the time. and i can sit there and be understanding... i know that the groomsmen probably don't know i'm a lesbian and might not care but i have to work at ignoring the things they say. it's all on me. they're blissfully ignorant. heh, ignorant - an appropriate word.
and so, we dance together and let everyone know. and it feels like rebellion. and then SB's mom says, hey, you guys look beautiful together and it feels like a party. like dancing with the person i love.
mmm... boring time passed, waiting for everyone to be done up and all. then we went to the mansion that was the wedding site. i was in a car with SB, her mom and V - the maid of honor. SB drove - veil in her hair and all. and she drove like a fucking maniac. i thought she was going to kill us all. and she wouldn't let me drive. eek.
talk in the car was interesting - gay marriage. i had always assumed a certain conservativeness in her mother - probably because she is a very catholic woman and generally high strung and concerned with appearances and such. come to find out that one of her brothers was gay. and had died a few years ago of aids. his long time partner was at the wedding. i had no idea. she was very open talking about it and talking to me about rachael. i was touched and again felt guilty about previous feelings about this family. clearly, i'm not the only one growing and changing.
the mansion was lovely. we all got SB into her dress - which was gorgeous - and doused her with champagne. then there was an extremely long photo session. then the signing of the ketubah. which was really nice. i discovered in a whispered conversation with V that SB had indeed converted to judaism. this must have given her mother a heart attack. i would have loved to see it. heheehe.
the wedding was outside, by water, under a chuppah. it was a very nice ceremony and all i had to do was walk down the aisle and stand there and then walk back. i did my part.
then the reception. N from high school was there. it was great catching up with her and meeting her husband. really great, actually. i was glad they were there - people i actually wanted to talk to.
i had fun at the reception. the band was cheezerific but i wasn't likely to be seeing anyone there again so i dorked out with abandon. danced all over. rach and i danced together amidst stares from M's side of the family. but SB's mother made a point of coming and telling us that we looked great dancing together. and her sisters were similarly supportive and friendly. that means so much to me - for people to make an overt gesture of welcome like that makes all the difference. we were going to be there anyway, doing our thing the way we do it. but to have SB's mom basically tell us that she was totally cool with us... it makes it feel less like rebellion and more like we're a part of things. which is a wonderful feeling.
but. yeah, there's a reason i called it heterofest 2003. i think a lot of people assumed rach was another bridesmaid most of the weekend (before the ceremony). at the rehearsal dinner, we had practically a boy table and a girl table. and there were all the jokes - 'the bridesmaid who eats that chicken head will be the first one to marry.' which was like, 'ha ha' the first time someone said it. but, you know, a comment like that, thoughtless and innocent as it may be, is exclusive in many ways. and in the photo sessions... there was the picture of M with all the bridesmaids where we were all supposed to pretend to kiss him. i just smiled.
the thing is, i know no one was being homophobic necessarily... but it's the assuming that hurts. this is my advice to the straight crowd and it's nothing new: never assume. it's those moments of assumption that make me feel like i'm on the outside, like those are not my people. because their view of the world doesn't include me - they look at me and see something that isn't really there. and it's hard, i know it is, to remember to include possibilities that are not yours. it's easier from a minority perspective - we're always aware of the other. it's everywhere. but it's an effort worth making... i feel like this is what 'pc' was before it was co-opted by the right and called 'pc' and used to make liberals look silly. really, it was an honest effort by people to include everyone - to the extent that it's possible. to not use language and assumptions to lock people out. because it happens. all the time. and i can sit there and be understanding... i know that the groomsmen probably don't know i'm a lesbian and might not care but i have to work at ignoring the things they say. it's all on me. they're blissfully ignorant. heh, ignorant - an appropriate word.
and so, we dance together and let everyone know. and it feels like rebellion. and then SB's mom says, hey, you guys look beautiful together and it feels like a party. like dancing with the person i love.
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hey, you guys look beautiful together
Date: 2003-09-02 11:44 am (UTC)Re: hey, you guys look beautiful together
Date: 2003-09-02 09:27 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-09-02 12:22 pm (UTC)Because they don't do it maliciously, but they do it thoughtlessly - They don't even consider that maybe things are different. It just makes me feel cold.
So, yeah for you and that dance. Maybe tiny little light bulbs will go off over all of their heads.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-09-02 09:26 pm (UTC)yeah. exactly. i remember this day in grad school when a bunch of people i was talking with - normally pretty sensitive people - started talking about how, i dunno, your possessions multiply when you get married or something. and really, they were talking about living with someone. which i do. but i was completely excluded because of the words they were using. it felt awful. and then you have to decide whether to let it slide so they can remain comfortable or to point out what's happening and make everyone else as uncomfortable as you are. that day i just walked away.
and i don't even know that i'd want to get married, per se, if i could, but these situations bring home to me that i can't, whether i want to or not. and i don't really need that rubbed in my face. and neither do you. pfft on the presumptuous lunchers in the kitchenette.
ignorant
Date: 2003-09-04 01:08 pm (UTC)how can i talk about my wedding and stuff w/o offending. is it talk of weddings in general or is it talking to folk specifically? and is does it matter that when i say "marry" or "wedding" that in my mind i know someday (hopefully soon) you will be able to do it in a legal and not just symbolic way. i ask because i can see me being in some of these situations and i can even picture talking to you, phineas, about "marriage" (not super likely, but possible) i guess that's my question... how can i talk about it without offending (i don't like to be exclusive of anyone)
Re: ignorant
Date: 2003-09-13 08:46 am (UTC)i didn't mean to say that i feel like any talk about weddings and marriage in inherently offensive. of course if you're relating your own experience and such, you should just tell it as it is and was. what is so frustrating and disheartening is when the assumption is made that marriage/boy-girl love is the plan for everyone around you (the general 'you' - i've never heard you do this). it has a couple of levels, really. i mean, there's the hetero assumption that is extremely frustration but then also the assumption that marriage is everyone's goal (this especially happens to women, i think). sometimes it's painful because queers are denied the right to marry but there's also the fact that lots of people don't want to marry. the whole institution of marriage is tied up in traditions that some people would rather be rid of. i, personally, probably will do something marriage-like one day, but i get frustrated when people assume it's in the life plan.
so, how to talk about it without offending? i guess all i can say is to be aware (which i imagine you, a sensitive individual, would be) that not everyone shares your experience - not everyone can or wants to. no matter who you're talking to - because you never really know. i don't know how helpful that is, but i'm still figuring this stuff our for myself too.
thanks for asking.