phineasjones | Fic: One Is For You

Title: One Is For You
Pairing: Sirius/Remus
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: It should be completely obvious that if I had any right to these characters, many things would be very different.
Gratitude: Huge thanks to

starbuckle,

jjtaylor and

madmadharri for beta.
Author's notes: This story is loosely based on ani difranco's song the diner. It is dedicated to

musesfool, who requested it as a prize for winning a text slash challenge. Thank you, Victoria, for getting me off my ass and working on this story. And for all the wonderful writing you put out into the world.

One Is For You

Badriyah perched on the edge of the table, looking impatient, and Sirius wondered how she managed that, being an owl and all. “OK, OK,” he mumbled to her. He breathed deeply and unscrolled the bit of parchment he’d been worrying in his hands for the last twenty minutes. Pushing two cups of tea out of his way, he laid the parchment on the table and wrote,

I’m writing from the greasy spoon around the corner from your flat. I’ve ordered two cups of tea—one meant for you. Please come, I don’t have the money for either of them.

I know it’s early on a Saturday but I hope you’re awake and that you’ll come.

I miss you, Moony.

--Sirius

Sirius put down his quill and looked at the parchment. Badriyah fluttered her wings and shifted her feet and Sirius took another deep breath. Then he rolled the parchment and attached it to the owl’s leg. “Remus,” he said, and she flew out the small window over Sirius’ head.

Sirius leaned back in his seat and brought his cup to his lips, taking small, quick sips of his watery tea. It was possible Remus wouldn’t be home at all. He could be working a Saturday shift. He could have spent the night at someone else’s place—a possibility Sirius tried not to dwell on. He had no idea what Remus did these days, apart from the occasional gatherings of their Hogwarts friends that they would both attend. Remus would greet Sirius briefly but warmly, and then avoid him as much as possible. Or so it seemed to Sirius, who would be doing his best not to pay attention.

At the sound of tinkling bells, Sirius set down his tea and looked toward the doorway of the café. A middle-aged woman entered and walked to the counter. Sirius sighed and put his head in his hands, feeling his heart bang against his ribs. It was silly, getting worked up like that. He knew very well Remus couldn’t have come that quickly. And when – if- he did come, what was Sirius going to say anyway? He could think of too many things, each as important as the next. And foremost in his mind, as always lately, were the thousands of ways he could torture and kill James Potter.

He adored James of course. The brother he’d rather have had and all that. He trusted him too. Which was why he’d listened at all when James had said, “You’re not going to keep that up once we’re out of here, are you?” He meant Remus. He meant the time Sirius was spending with him. He meant the kissing and the touching, the sharing of their beds, the whispered conversations in the middle of the night.

Sirius hadn’t known what to say at the time; he hadn’t considered it before James brought it up. He supposed he had just assumed they would ‘keep that up.’ But when he said as much, James had laughed. He had told him that he’d be crazy not to make his start in the world free and unattached, like James was doing. “I mean, it’s not like you’re in love with him or something,” James had said, “Are you?”

Sirius hadn’t answered. He’d laughed and shrugged his shoulders. He’d found an excuse to change the subject. And he’d thought about it later, staring blankly at his Transfiguration assignment. James had an annoying tendency to be right about things. Sirius had never even told him what was going on with Remus; James just knew.

The discussion, when it happened, was short and far too easy. Remus nodded sharply and pulled his hands away from Sirius, saying, “Right, yes, that seems best.” And Sirius instantly felt cold in the places where Remus’s hands should have been. He felt cold all over when Remus stopped looking him in the eyes, when he stepped away from his touch.

Sirius had assumed it would get better, that it was just the change that made him feel so lost. James grinned and slapped him on the back when he figured it out, “You’ll see. We’ll have a killer time of it now.” James’ enthusiasm was always contagious and soon Sirius couldn’t wait to leave school and have all the adventures he’d been promised. Remus seemed to be all right, too, though Sirius rarely saw him alone. That made things easier anyway.

The six months since they left Hogwarts had been full of change. He and James shared a flat in a wizard neighborhood in London. They both took low-level ministry jobs and talked all the time about the exciting jobs they hoped to one day have. The threat of war grew around them and they met in secret with friends, with allies. Sirius hadn’t been sleeping well for several months and any of these things could have been the reason. But he knew they weren’t.

When those precious few hours of sleep did come to him, they were full of dreams of Remus. Always Remus. Sometimes just after transforming, sleeping on the old dusty bed in the Shrieking Shack. Sometimes shirtless and warm, sliding his hands over Sirius’ chest, breathing against his neck. But usually more banal than that – getting out of bed in the morning and pulling on his robe. Brushing his teeth and spitting into the sink. Sitting in the library, reading, one hand pulling at the ends of his hair.

Thinking about these things made Sirius ache all over. How could he have been so incredibly stupid? What had James known about it then, anyway? Sirius suspected he might know something about it now. Now he was spending every free moment with Lily Evans. Weeks ago, he had looked up from the table over breakfast and said, “I’m in love with her, Sirius.” Of course he was, everyone could see. And suddenly, Sirius didn’t have to ask him how he knew it was love. Sirius could answer the question himself; because she was all James thought about. She was in his dreams every night. She was the first person he looked for in every crowded room. Whenever something good, or something bad, happened, she was the one he wanted to tell first. When she wasn’t there, everything seemed too pale, too grey.
Sirius couldn’t remember when Remus had become that person for him. He couldn’t remember a time when he wasn’t. He was in love with Remus. How could he not have known?

The bells over the door jangled again and Sirius started, looking over his shoulder. The young couple giggling and shuffling toward a table were definitely not Remus. Neither of them. Sirius sighed and wondered how he was going to make it out of the cafe without paying for the tea. This had been yet another stupid plan. What made him think that Remus would come? Remus was probably doing just fine without him.

Remus always looked fine. At every meeting, every gathering, he had that slightly worn look that was practically his trademark, but other than that, he looked good. Very good. He laughed with them all and smiled at James and wrinkled his nose at Lily’s jokes. He was polite to the various women Sirius brought along. Meanwhile Lily kept asking Sirius whether he was all right and James was always telling him that the circles under his eyes made him look like shit.

Sirius dropped his head into his hands again. He just wanted things to be like they were. He wanted Remus to be his again. But how could he ask for him back when he’s not entirely sure he ever had him in the first place? Remus never told him how he felt. And Sirius had never asked.

“Git,” he whispered aloud. “You’re an utter git.”

“Not many would argue with you there.”

Sirius looked up and there was Remus, the crumpled letter in his hand, his hair tousled from wind or maybe from sleep. Sirius’ heart beat wildly and he looked toward the door; he hadn’t heard any bells. Looking at Remus again, he tried to speak but couldn’t seem to draw the necessary breath.

“Well,” Remus crossed his arms, “did you have something to say or shall I go back to my very comfortable bed?”

Sirius panicked. “No! No. Please, will you sit?”

Remus eyed the chair doubtfully, taking in the cup of pale tea waiting at his place. He sat, slowly, watching Sirius warily all the while. He put his hands on the table to either side of the cup and waited silently.

“OK,” Sirius wrapped his fingers around his cup then unwrapped them again. “Er. Here’s the thing… Yes. Er. I…”

Remus raised his eyebrows, barely disguising an expression of mild amusement. Sirius shut his mouth and wondered how Remus always managed to be so calm. It felt terribly unfair at the moment.

“How are you?” Sirius asked in a rush, a little too loudly. He realized as he asked the question how very much he wanted to know the answer. He was tired of asking other people how Remus was doing. He wanted to be the one who knew again.

“Fine,” Remus answered, “but why am I here?”

Sirius coughed. “Right, sorry.” He took a deep breath. “It was a mistake. What I did at Hogwarts. Breaking things off. I wish I hadn’t. I’ve missed you terribly. And I hoped… well. I was hoping maybe you’d take me back?”

Remus was quiet a moment, expressionless. “You’ve missed me?” he said, his tone flat.

“Yes, very much.” He nodded and hoped he looked as earnest as he felt.

Sirius saw Remus’ jaw clench and he swallowed hard. He’d seen that enough in their school days to recognize it as a sign that Remus was angry and trying not to show it. But why would he be angry that Sirius missed him?

“I hardly see how you could have had time to miss me,” Remus continued in his quiet way. “You’ve been with a different woman every time I’ve seen you since we left Hogwarts.”

Sirius stared blankly for a moment. Remus thought… what? That those birds had somehow replaced him? It had been a kind of sport for him and James, pulling them at pubs, never anything serious. And when James had stopped, Sirius kept it up out of habit. It was almost a hobby, something to do with his nights. Something to take his mind off Remus.

Sirius felt completely panicked now, in the way that meant he had done something, a series of things, that was irrevocably stupid and he was going to have to grovel his way out. It was an unfortunately familiar feeling.

“They… they were all nice and all, those women. But they’re not you. I miss you.”

“Yes, you’ve said.”

“James… he said….”

“James?”

“Yes.”

“This should be good.” Remus sat back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest.

Sirius wondered whether there was any point in going on. Every time he opened his mouth, he made things worse. But Remus was still here, still listening. And so he would keep trying.

He tried to keep his voice calm and even. “James said, when we were still at Hogwarts, that it was better to go out into the world unattached. To try new things and all, meet new people.”

Remus furrowed his brow. “Did James know? About us?”

Us. Remus had said, “Us.” Sirius tried to focus, to respond to the question. “Yes. I didn’t tell him. I’m not sure exactly how much he knew, but… yes.”

“So, it was his idea?”

“Yes!” Maybe this was going alright after all.

“And you thought it was a good idea.”

Bugger. “Well, no, I…”

Remus raised an eyebrow in disbelief.

Sirius thought he might cry out of frustration. Why could he never say the right thing?

“Look. I didn’t know what to think. We never really talked about… what we were doing. I didn’t know what I felt. Or what you felt. James made it all seem so reasonable and obvious. But he didn’t know that I was in love with you.” Sirius swallowed against the dryness in his throat. “I am in love with you.” All the air seemed to leave his lungs after those words were out, leaving his chest tight and aching.

Remus was completely quiet and still, his gaze fixed on Sirius’ hands. But Sirius saw a flush of pink on his cheeks and neck that hadn’t been there before. It eased the ache in his chest slightly and he managed to draw enough air to speak again.

“I can’t promise I won’t bollix things up again, since apparently it’s what I do best, but please, I would give anything to be with you again. Please.”

Remus stood suddenly, his chair scraping the floor. He fished in his pocket and dropped a few knuts on the table then strode toward the door. Sirius watched in horror, too shocked to speak. In the doorway, Remus paused and turned, raising his eyebrows at Sirius and cocking his head toward the door. Then he walked quickly out of the café.

Sirius did not need any more of an invitation. He jumped out of his chair and ran through the door and out to the street. He glanced around quickly until he saw Remus a street away, turning into an alley. He ran to follow and as soon as he turned the corner, Remus grabbed him by his shirt and pulled him into the alley, backing him against the wall of a building.

Remus pressed against him and Sirius nearly swooned; it felt so good to be close to him this way again.

“Remus,” he whispered and before he could say more, Remus kissed him. It was wonderfully familiar at the same time that it was new and thrilling. At school, their kisses had been sometimes playful, sometimes sleepy and comforting, sometimes a little more. But never as deep and demanding as this. Never so forceful and searing.

Remus’ hands were on Sirius’ sides, twisting in his shirt. Sirius put his fingers in Remus’ hair at the back of his head and held on. When Remus pulled his mouth away Sirius made a weak-sounding whimper that might have embarrassed him if he could have thought anything other than “more.”

Remus was breathing heavily and Sirius leaned forward to kiss him again but Remus pulled back. “Sirius.” he said, his voice low and gravelly.

Sirius looked at him, waiting, willing himself to keep silent and let Remus whatever it was he was going to say.

“You can’t do that again. Change your mind like that. Promise me.” Remus’ eyes were locked on Sirius, like he was watching, rather than listening, for the answer.

“No,” Sirius said breathlessly. “I won’t. I can’t. I only want to be with you.”

Remus hesitated, breathing in as though about to speak but saying nothing. Sirius thought he looked a little sad. “Remus,” he murmured, “I love you.” He touched Remus’ face, pressing his fingertips over his cheekbone and brushing his thumb over his lips.

Remus closed his eyes as Sirius kissed him. Sirius fought his instinct to hurry, to rush in his excitement and need. He kissed Remus as slowly and carefully as he could, his hand lingering against his cheek, then cupping his jaw. Remus leaned into him and Sirius welcomed the solid weight of him against his body.

When they broke apart again, Remus opened his eyes slowly and grinned. “My flat’s just across the street.”

“I know. –And?” Sirius tried to pull Remus back to him but Remus resisted, reaching for Sirius’ arms and pulling him away from the wall.

“And it’s early and I’ve yet to have a proper cup of tea. And why don’t you come up with me?”

Sirius let Remus tug him toward the street. He felt light-headed and giddy. The morning had turned out far better than he had dared to hope. He was lucky, he thought, to be forgiven once again. Lucky to be given a second chance. He knew he wouldn’t bugger it up this time. He smiled widely as Remus let him into the flat, thinking of all the ways he could show Remus how very sincere he was.

________________

Current Mood: accomplished

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