mmmpeanut butter

[phineasjones]

yay! t'ai chi! finally, i got to go to a class. so exciting. i learned 'wild horse parts mane' and 'grasp sparrow's tail.' the teacher, gihoon, is nice and funny and cute. oh goodness. i'm so pleased. and, weirdness of weirdnesses, someone i know from high school was in the class. james who now goes by dmitri. i knew he was in the same town as i am after i saw him at reunion last year, but i haven't seen him since. he's the one i had a mad crush on in middle school but who now has a receding hair line and wears cowboy boots. which is fine, just, you know, not my thing.

but yes. i can start going to the class at the end of the month. on wednesday nights so i don't have to skip any more rehearsals.

so. in general, i've been feeling a little weird these past few days. kind of numb. i'm doing good things, while being sadly unfannish and not really reading or reccing or writing. i'm reading rotk and mary oliver poetry and i'm exercising and decorating my porch and cooking and doing things along these lines which are generally seen as positive and relaxing things. but under it all i'm having the very quietest of panic attacks. i need work. i need to be working on things - planning the recital, applying to schools, practicing, etc. i'm not doing any of that. and i just can't seem to make myself right now. i'll do anything but. or just stand around and feel somewhere between blank and sad. and, weirdly, i can't stand to be in my study. sure, it's messy, but it always is. but i've taken my computer out to the front room of the house and going in the study makes me feel claustrophobic and panicky. what the hell is going on? besides what i know, which is that i have some anxiety and then i compound it by procrastinating and making problems out of things that otherwise wouldn't be so. ho yum, yeah, i know that already. what i don't know is how to get out of one of these cycles once i'm in it. i'm really very much hoping therapy can help me out with that. and that t'ai chi will help me chill out in the mean time and give me at least 90 minutes a week not spent in self-flagellation. that'd be great.

also, the farm was beautiful today. pumpkins.

Comments

[helenish.livejournal.com]

dude, regarding the anxiety: I am right there with you, for, lo, I do the same thing, even though I know it's very very counterproductive.

The only thing I've found that works, also, is to just FORCE myself to do something (usually that something is opening the resume file on the computer, and even that sentence sort of makes me feel sweaty and horrible.) But! once I do it [and the world doesn't end and no one knocks down my door to tell me I suck, or whatever kind of craziness I must be imagining to make me so averse to doing anything about it] it is much better.

I recommend lists. and schedules. or even a post-it note. Because if I say, all right, tomorrow, I will spend FIFTEEN MINUTES dealing with this...um, I do, and then I feel better about it, and it's okay.

But you're in the stage where you cannot do anything, and that's okay, too. Exercise. It helps.

[helenish.livejournal.com]

let me just add that the time limit there is key. Because part of the problem for me is that I start thinking about ALL the stuff I have to do, and how what if this or that doesn't work OUT, and blah blah, and I just get overwhelmed, and avoid it by not starting.

The point is to get a start, so you promise yourself: fifteen minutes. or ten. whatever. set a timer. when it rings, you are off the hook. But I find that usually, after the ten minutes, I'm fine.

[note: the timer technique works really well for a lot of things, including, making yourself exercise, or cleaning the kitchen. You'd be surprised by what you can get done in five minutes, and then it's usually just a few more to clean the counters or whatever, and it's clean! It's all part of the self-help book I want to write someday called "Success through Crappy Goal Setting"]

Oh, also, a little anxiety exercise that I picked up, which I've found does help, a little, just because it forces you to focus, a little, and calm your ass down:

Name five things you can see, five things you can hear, and five things you can feel inside your body. Then four, then three, and so on to one. You can repeat things, and I usually have to cheat a little on the 'things you can hear bit' but. It takes about five minutes, and it's not a crazy miracle, but it helps.

[phineasjones.livejournal.com]

from your comments on this post, i can tell that you are the one who knows best what i'm talking about. the suggestions you have are really the only things that have ever worked for me - temporary or long term. (though the anxiety exercise is new and i'm excited to try it).

are you aware of flylady? she's mostly about housekeeping-type stuff, designed for housewives really. but her systems rely on the use of a timer and doing big tasks in 15 minute increments. i managed to stay on a flylady system for a few months last year and not only was my house shiny and clean, but i was much calmer and happier. however, it feeds into certain ocd impulses i have and thus i am mildly wary. and, once you slip a little, it's easy to let the whole thing go. and then end up back where you started. like where i am now, trying to crawl my way back to calm and sanity again.

but i really appreciate your comments on this, it's nice not to feel alone.

[starbuckle.livejournal.com]

1. so glad t'ai chi was good. eep!

2. i wish i'd been more articulate about this in the car today, but i feel like we're on a bit of the same wavelength, at least in regards to the nonfannish feeling and the immersion in other things. i'm not unhappy that my attentions are elsewhere currently, but they certainly are elsewhere. i think i may be sharing some of the anxiety, too, although mine relates to a job i already have ... which makes it a different thing altogether. still, solidarity. or similar. in any case, what you describe above sounds remarkably familiar, although my panicky-ness seems to sneak up on me on friday afternoons when eileen is at school and it's just me here with all my fears and no concrete distractions. wah.

er ... :::clings:::

[brightest-blue.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I feel you, man. I'm even worse. Not only am I actively not doing anything about the future, I'm not doing anything at all. Well, except walking the doggie and catering to his every whim. But that's not going to get the dishes done. :-) I used to think that I used fannish stuff to hide from real life, but now I'm beginning to think that it was the other way around. When things were going more or less all right, it was one more thing I enjoyed. When things aren't so great, it's just one more thing I neglect.

Maybe we should all give a collective *heave* and see if we can pull ourselves out of the slump. We've gotta! Fall is coming, and it's my favorite time of year. Pumpkins!

[galactagogue.livejournal.com]

i am in a similar situation and it. is. so. hard. i called my mom crying last night and i've never done that. blaaaaa. i'm sorry things are harsh right now - alternate productivity and self indulgence... therapy is the best! you sound like you're taking care of yourself, even tho you'd rather not be? maybe.

i think there's something going on right now on a pretty massive scale, like everyone i know is in the depths of despair all the time. ready for the upswing. pumpkins indeed.

[phineasjones.livejournal.com]

i appreciate your thoughts on this - really, even though it's taken me a month to respond. this sort of thing can make you feel like you're all alone in your little crazy world and it's really good to know other people understand. ::hugs::