mmmpeanut butter
Sep. 14th, 2004 09:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
phineasjonesyay! t'ai chi! finally, i got to go to a class. so exciting. i learned 'wild horse parts mane' and 'grasp sparrow's tail.' the teacher, gihoon, is nice and funny and cute. oh goodness. i'm so pleased. and, weirdness of weirdnesses, someone i know from high school was in the class. james who now goes by dmitri. i knew he was in the same town as i am after i saw him at reunion last year, but i haven't seen him since. he's the one i had a mad crush on in middle school but who now has a receding hair line and wears cowboy boots. which is fine, just, you know, not my thing.
but yes. i can start going to the class at the end of the month. on wednesday nights so i don't have to skip any more rehearsals.
so. in general, i've been feeling a little weird these past few days. kind of numb. i'm doing good things, while being sadly unfannish and not really reading or reccing or writing. i'm reading rotk and mary oliver poetry and i'm exercising and decorating my porch and cooking and doing things along these lines which are generally seen as positive and relaxing things. but under it all i'm having the very quietest of panic attacks. i need work. i need to be working on things - planning the recital, applying to schools, practicing, etc. i'm not doing any of that. and i just can't seem to make myself right now. i'll do anything but. or just stand around and feel somewhere between blank and sad. and, weirdly, i can't stand to be in my study. sure, it's messy, but it always is. but i've taken my computer out to the front room of the house and going in the study makes me feel claustrophobic and panicky. what the hell is going on? besides what i know, which is that i have some anxiety and then i compound it by procrastinating and making problems out of things that otherwise wouldn't be so. ho yum, yeah, i know that already. what i don't know is how to get out of one of these cycles once i'm in it. i'm really very much hoping therapy can help me out with that. and that t'ai chi will help me chill out in the mean time and give me at least 90 minutes a week not spent in self-flagellation. that'd be great.
also, the farm was beautiful today. pumpkins.
but yes. i can start going to the class at the end of the month. on wednesday nights so i don't have to skip any more rehearsals.
so. in general, i've been feeling a little weird these past few days. kind of numb. i'm doing good things, while being sadly unfannish and not really reading or reccing or writing. i'm reading rotk and mary oliver poetry and i'm exercising and decorating my porch and cooking and doing things along these lines which are generally seen as positive and relaxing things. but under it all i'm having the very quietest of panic attacks. i need work. i need to be working on things - planning the recital, applying to schools, practicing, etc. i'm not doing any of that. and i just can't seem to make myself right now. i'll do anything but. or just stand around and feel somewhere between blank and sad. and, weirdly, i can't stand to be in my study. sure, it's messy, but it always is. but i've taken my computer out to the front room of the house and going in the study makes me feel claustrophobic and panicky. what the hell is going on? besides what i know, which is that i have some anxiety and then i compound it by procrastinating and making problems out of things that otherwise wouldn't be so. ho yum, yeah, i know that already. what i don't know is how to get out of one of these cycles once i'm in it. i'm really very much hoping therapy can help me out with that. and that t'ai chi will help me chill out in the mean time and give me at least 90 minutes a week not spent in self-flagellation. that'd be great.
also, the farm was beautiful today. pumpkins.
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(no subject)
Date: 2004-09-14 07:16 pm (UTC)2. i wish i'd been more articulate about this in the car today, but i feel like we're on a bit of the same wavelength, at least in regards to the nonfannish feeling and the immersion in other things. i'm not unhappy that my attentions are elsewhere currently, but they certainly are elsewhere. i think i may be sharing some of the anxiety, too, although mine relates to a job i already have ... which makes it a different thing altogether. still, solidarity. or similar. in any case, what you describe above sounds remarkably familiar, although my panicky-ness seems to sneak up on me on friday afternoons when eileen is at school and it's just me here with all my fears and no concrete distractions. wah.
er ... :::clings:::