(no subject)

MAIL! ♥ i loves it.

except, how's this for sad? i know from the card that the envelope was supposed have in it a wee button saying i am loved. instead, there was a wee button-sized hole in said envelope! the love escaped! :(

rach and i went and viewed a potentional wedding location today. !!! go us. and it's a good thing we did because they're schedule for next summer is filling up fast. damn. i guess you have to plan ahead for these things. anyway. the place is very nice. i think a wedding there would feel nice but not super foofy. it's a park... and it has a sort of summer campy feel to it. which makes it feel more casual that some wedding locations, i think. but not in a bad way. this is where the reception would be. and possibly the actual wedding too - there's a patio outside and a tent we could use too. but we prefer this (under the heading 'weddings,' the first picture) location for the ceremony.

possible downsides: the garden house is close to route 9... when outside, we would see and hear cars going by. also, it's a public park. there would be people milling about - probably not right on top of our wedding, but very close by.

we need to see some more options before we make any decisions, but we can't wait too long. yikes.

it feels like a storm is coming. is there a storm coming? i would like that.

state of the phin

it came to my attention throught conversation with hominidj that i've been rather cryptic here lately, referring to things i'm not writing here and such. i don't mean to be cryptic. some of these 'things' are related to feeling really, somewhat frighteningly off-balance lately. i'm feeling a little calmer now but for a while i was experiencing anxiety to levels that made me feel insane. not a good feeling, and not one i wanted to spend a lot of time chatting about. and i was - and still am a bit - feeling something that felt like ADD backlash. i had started to make some improvements and then all of a sudden, it was as bad as ever, if not worse. the frustration that went with that was almost paralyzing and thus, hard to talk about. other things are related to doing the artist's way with a friend. i'm not embarassed to be doing it - thought sometimes it feels that way because i have a hard time letting myself enjoy things that could be called cheezy - but it's making me think about huge things like the word 'spirituality' and what i think it means and why i don't have it in my life. and that sort of thing feels unfamiliar and fragile and i'm also not inclined to natter on about it much publicly.

i've always felt weird about coming to lj when i'm feeling bad. i don't want this space to be full of woe and misery. and i'm not what most people would consider a private person. i mean, hi, i go on and on here about very personal things all the time. but i feel weird bringing up my problems with other people - even when they've opened themselves to them willingly, as many of you have.

and now i'm trying so hard to be healthy. trying to get enough sleep and eat well (NO SUGAR etc) and exercise and keep my shit together. because i'm pretty thoroughly convinced of the direct connection between those things and my mental health. and that really takes such a large amount of effort that it's on my mind more than just about anything else. which means it's on my mind when i sit down to write here. and i can't imagine that the subject of the health effects of various varieties of rice would be terribly interesting to any of you out there.

so. now you can tell me whether i'm right. k? :)

( it's a poll!!! -- ok, the poll got kind of long. so i cut it just for you! take it! )

(no subject)

rach and i just watched maid in manhattan. i'm sick, i don't know what her excuse is. it was a fine thing to do while consuming my hot and sour soup, which i believe to be the only thing that will scorch out all the badness in my throat. well, except that now that i've eaten it, i don't feel all that much better. there's tea on the way, though, so... ::cough cough:: bleh.

lately i have been spending a lot of time thinking about the bad times for our dear sirius and remus. the times of suspicion and lies. until recently, i prefered to pretend that time didn't exisit. the conversation in PoA about it is so stupidly superficial that it's easy enough to assume they weren't telling the whole truth - certainly not the whole story. but... suddenly i'm compelled to think about it. what would have brought on the suspicions and how they would have played out. and there was a song that was making me think about it... oh yes. the nields song in the hush before the heartbreak. except this is not a good story because i don't remember exactly what it was making me thinkor anything. so i'll just note it here and maybe come back to it.

mostly i'm just feeling the need to pet and comfort remus. it's just not fair, man. it's just not fair. and it's not like me to get stuck thinking about a thing like this. i like fluffy happiness! well, angst-ridden fluffy happiness, but the happy needs to be there somewhere. and i just don't really see it in the aforementioned bad times.

do you, dear reader, have any favorite fics about this period? i have avoided them in the past, but now i am curious.

maybe this post is about these two things because i still think ralph fiennes would have made a good remus. i know he's kind of uberpretty, but i think it could have worked. just scruff him up a bit. i can't really handle thinking about who he will actually play... that's just weird.

um, also? serenity trailer! tuesday! ::dances around::