state of the phin

[phineasjones]

it came to my attention throught conversation with hominidj that i've been rather cryptic here lately, referring to things i'm not writing here and such. i don't mean to be cryptic. some of these 'things' are related to feeling really, somewhat frighteningly off-balance lately. i'm feeling a little calmer now but for a while i was experiencing anxiety to levels that made me feel insane. not a good feeling, and not one i wanted to spend a lot of time chatting about. and i was - and still am a bit - feeling something that felt like ADD backlash. i had started to make some improvements and then all of a sudden, it was as bad as ever, if not worse. the frustration that went with that was almost paralyzing and thus, hard to talk about. other things are related to doing the artist's way with a friend. i'm not embarassed to be doing it - thought sometimes it feels that way because i have a hard time letting myself enjoy things that could be called cheezy - but it's making me think about huge things like the word 'spirituality' and what i think it means and why i don't have it in my life. and that sort of thing feels unfamiliar and fragile and i'm also not inclined to natter on about it much publicly.

i've always felt weird about coming to lj when i'm feeling bad. i don't want this space to be full of woe and misery. and i'm not what most people would consider a private person. i mean, hi, i go on and on here about very personal things all the time. but i feel weird bringing up my problems with other people - even when they've opened themselves to them willingly, as many of you have.

and now i'm trying so hard to be healthy. trying to get enough sleep and eat well (NO SUGAR etc) and exercise and keep my shit together. because i'm pretty thoroughly convinced of the direct connection between those things and my mental health. and that really takes such a large amount of effort that it's on my mind more than just about anything else. which means it's on my mind when i sit down to write here. and i can't imagine that the subject of the health effects of various varieties of rice would be terribly interesting to any of you out there.

so. now you can tell me whether i'm right. k? :)


[Poll #480053]

Comments

[brightest-blue.livejournal.com]

It's a journal, so you can write whatever you want, and it doesn't always have to make sense or be anything in particular. I noticed this when I attempted to "quit" LJ, and my paper journal was packed away. Some of us just need this verbal outlet. I used to think that my LJ had to be entertaining, but at some point I developed the attitude that it's really just for me, having fun, trying to make sense of something, ranting about something, whatever. And not just that; reading yours and others journals has actually helped me sometimes. It's given me ideas and inspiration and provided support that I wouldn't receive anywhere else.

If this is where you come to work through things or just relive a happy time by chronicling it, this would seem to be the perfect place. As far as I'm concerned, don't change a thing!

[phineasjones.livejournal.com]

you're so right, but i have a hard time feeling that way about lj. i've had a paper journal the whole time i've had an lj and i tend to use them rather differently. it's different when you know there's an audience of some sort for what you write, you know? and it's hard to get over the feeling of needing to keep people interested... like it somehow matters if people i don't know at all find me interesting enough to keep reading.

when i write that out, it just seems ridiculous. i clearly have some more thinking to do on this topic.

[brightest-blue.livejournal.com]

and it's hard to get over the feeling of needing to keep people interested... like it somehow matters if people i don't know at all find me interesting enough to keep reading.


Isn't that weird? I felt the same way about my therapist when I first started seeing him; like I needed to entertain him, because I must be so boring after all of the REALLY crazy people he sees. Maybe it comes from being from a family that prizes anecdotes. If a family dinner is coming up, start thinking up funny stories about yourself. I don't know- it's a strange dynamic.

[camillafarfalla.livejournal.com]

omg, that last question really knocked me on my ass. It took me about 10 minutes to weigh pros and cons and decide on my answer (I went with Keira in hopes that she could be Bend It Like Beckham!Keira) - I feel like you picked most of the people just for me! (I also like how DOM always has to be capitalized. When Kristin and I make plans for Wednesdays, it's always OMGLOST and DOM. hee!)

Question 1, unfortunately, didn't have the option of "Whatever the hell you want to write about is interesting to me!" which is what I would have checked. Keeping track of you is my favorite thing about lj, bar none, and I just like knowing what's up with you, rice-related or not. But of course I also understand about having trouble translating the stuff going on into lj and how that can just get even more daunting as more time goes on. So, whatever you need to do, of course. (and if you're feeling due for another NYC overnight to sort things out, I'd love to have you. It's full of temptation too, but there ain't nowhere better for all kinds of super-healthy food.)

::hugs::

[koncupiscence.livejournal.com]

HA! i just hovered over orlando and keira for several minutes. i was all quick to select orli but then the word 'forever' kept echoing in my head. and truth be told, i think i might get tired of that. *points* but, blast it all, i decided to go with my first guttural instinct, so orlando it is!

still two more weeks until OMGLOSTDOM. *weeps*

[camillafarfalla.livejournal.com]

That was exactly why I switched and went with Keira at the last moment. Yeah, forever of boring boy-body and that (even on the pretty, pretty Orli... ::gets lost in thoughts of Troy::) vs. mmm, pretty pretty girl. Maybe we could arrange a weekend swap at some point. :)

[phineasjones.livejournal.com]

wait... what are you pointing at? ::confuzzled::

[phineasjones.livejournal.com]

Keeping track of you is my favorite thing about lj, bar none, and I just like knowing what's up with you, rice-related or not.

aw. ::smooshes:: you are a nice lady. but, i would say that interacting with you has been one of my very favorite things about lj and your absence may also be part of my ambivalence lately. i miss hearing about you and playing with you in comments and such. ok, and teasing you. really, when was my last good opportunity to publicly tease you?

so. just saying. more of you on lj would not be a bad thing. :)

[prairiedaun.livejournal.com]

Also, wild rice. Mmm. Especially cooked up with bacon, mushrooms and celery.

[phineasjones.livejournal.com]

the vegan mushroom-hater in me does not find that particularly enticing. however, the wild rice was an unintended omission. :)