(no subject)

dear self,

while it seems utterly tragic that rachael is on her way back to massachusetts right now, in reality, you will be following her in a mere 24 hours. in other words, stop moping and get on with your day.

love,
self

(no subject)

i'm still feeling a little low, though i just had a really nice lunch with my parents who will be at the performance tonight. i think the low-ness is related mostly to the fact that this is about to be all over and i'll leave and i'll go back to my 'normal' life.

there are some very exciting parts of that: friends, kitties, apartment, noho. i miss all of those. but, essentially, for two weeks, making music, conducting, has been my job. and that's what i want. and i had two weeks of it. and then i won't have it again for an indeterminate amount of time. i mean, there are still a few weeks of church left but that is so much less intense and satisfying. less work, lower quality. if nothing else, this experience has been good for showing me how good it can feel to push myself. and that yes, this is what i want to be doing -- making music professionally. because, indeed, i had been questioning.

i stood in a store earlier, waiting for rachael, and read a bunch of quoteable cards and... well, i always rather guiltily like them, but i was just feeling like this time they were congratulating me for what i had done, for the challenge i had accepted, instead of the usual feeling i have that they are reminding me that i should or could be doing something more than i am.

i am afraid that there will be no momentum from this. i don't want to go back to being exactly the way i was and forgetting how much i care about this. of forgetting about that feeling on this past sunday night... upon finishing the first act after everything had gone so well and it felt so good and i realized it had been 2 weeks and 2 days since A had called me about this and holy fuck that was amazing. and then the feeling at the end of the second act when i was watching camille closely to match my upbeats to her breathing and it was just so powerful - her singing, her expression, putting the music with it. i cried a little, right there while finishing the performance.

and now i'll go home to the revue at the church. and i have to let it just be fun and not think about the musical wreckage of it. but after that. next week. i want to still feel like a musician.

oh, and the annoying thing.

so, last friday i sent maggie my bio (thanks again to anney for getting me going on that) via e-mail and talked her about it. i told her it was important to me to have it included with the (already printed with the other conductor's name) program. she said of course, of course, yada yada. i also told her that i would be happy to do the printing myself since i know she has a lot to do. she said no, she would do it, no problem.

she called me on saturday afternoon to tell me her e-mail was down, she couldn't get at the bio. i wasn't with my computer, we agreed that i would call her with it at night and she would print it sunday during the day.

so. the performance. as people started filing into the theater, i noticed they weren't holding programs. i went and asked the ushers and they didn't even know there were programs. they found them eventually, but there was certainly no insert with them. after the performance, i saw the sign maggie had put up in the lobby with my name and bio - and crediting the guys who made the films that play during the variations. she must have put it up about 5 minutes before the performance. great.

so. she apologized immediately when she saw me. i didn't say it was ok. i just told her i really want that that insert tonight. and that she must. call. me if she won't be able to do it. she hasn't called. i wish i could say that made me feel like she's probably taken care of it. mark my words, if there is no insert tonight, i'm going to kick her scrawny little ass.

(no subject)

please. pray, visualize, pretend, whatever you do, that i left my baton in the theater (and that it is still there) and not, say, under the seat in the rental car rachael just returned. please, i need the help.

(no subject)

baton was in theater. am intensely relieved.

status check

mmm_cake: home safely. yay.

crazy thunder storm: mostly passed, still raining

my makeup: packed on, baby. yeah.

my body: decked out in black from head to toe. not really, i'm wearing open toed shoes. but the straps are black.

my hair: almost dry.

my mind: almost registering that this is it for this gig. in 4 hours, it will be over. i'll sleep a while and then get a taxi to the airport and head home. weird.