(no subject)
May. 18th, 2004 01:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
phineasjonesi'm still feeling a little low, though i just had a really nice lunch with my parents who will be at the performance tonight. i think the low-ness is related mostly to the fact that this is about to be all over and i'll leave and i'll go back to my 'normal' life.
there are some very exciting parts of that: friends, kitties, apartment, noho. i miss all of those. but, essentially, for two weeks, making music, conducting, has been my job. and that's what i want. and i had two weeks of it. and then i won't have it again for an indeterminate amount of time. i mean, there are still a few weeks of church left but that is so much less intense and satisfying. less work, lower quality. if nothing else, this experience has been good for showing me how good it can feel to push myself. and that yes, this is what i want to be doing -- making music professionally. because, indeed, i had been questioning.
i stood in a store earlier, waiting for rachael, and read a bunch of quoteable cards and... well, i always rather guiltily like them, but i was just feeling like this time they were congratulating me for what i had done, for the challenge i had accepted, instead of the usual feeling i have that they are reminding me that i should or could be doing something more than i am.
i am afraid that there will be no momentum from this. i don't want to go back to being exactly the way i was and forgetting how much i care about this. of forgetting about that feeling on this past sunday night... upon finishing the first act after everything had gone so well and it felt so good and i realized it had been 2 weeks and 2 days since A had called me about this and holy fuck that was amazing. and then the feeling at the end of the second act when i was watching camille closely to match my upbeats to her breathing and it was just so powerful - her singing, her expression, putting the music with it. i cried a little, right there while finishing the performance.
and now i'll go home to the revue at the church. and i have to let it just be fun and not think about the musical wreckage of it. but after that. next week. i want to still feel like a musician.
there are some very exciting parts of that: friends, kitties, apartment, noho. i miss all of those. but, essentially, for two weeks, making music, conducting, has been my job. and that's what i want. and i had two weeks of it. and then i won't have it again for an indeterminate amount of time. i mean, there are still a few weeks of church left but that is so much less intense and satisfying. less work, lower quality. if nothing else, this experience has been good for showing me how good it can feel to push myself. and that yes, this is what i want to be doing -- making music professionally. because, indeed, i had been questioning.
i stood in a store earlier, waiting for rachael, and read a bunch of quoteable cards and... well, i always rather guiltily like them, but i was just feeling like this time they were congratulating me for what i had done, for the challenge i had accepted, instead of the usual feeling i have that they are reminding me that i should or could be doing something more than i am.
i am afraid that there will be no momentum from this. i don't want to go back to being exactly the way i was and forgetting how much i care about this. of forgetting about that feeling on this past sunday night... upon finishing the first act after everything had gone so well and it felt so good and i realized it had been 2 weeks and 2 days since A had called me about this and holy fuck that was amazing. and then the feeling at the end of the second act when i was watching camille closely to match my upbeats to her breathing and it was just so powerful - her singing, her expression, putting the music with it. i cried a little, right there while finishing the performance.
and now i'll go home to the revue at the church. and i have to let it just be fun and not think about the musical wreckage of it. but after that. next week. i want to still feel like a musician.
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(no subject)
Date: 2004-05-18 05:00 pm (UTC)i am afraid that there will be no momentum from this.
you will remember... you can do it. we have faith in you. go, phin, go!
(no subject)
Date: 2004-05-18 06:36 pm (UTC):::waves pom-poms:::
i still miss you.