blahdy blah blah

i just cannot seem to get myself going in the mornings lately. now i have to hurry to shower and dress so i can meet my mom's partner for lunch.

yesterday, strolling around lexington, camillafarfalla and i had a rambling and extended discussion about geekiness and dorkiness and antisocialness and... well, such things. very interesting subjects. i've always been mildly fascinated by these things - the definitions, the delineations. and i've always wondered at the difference in people... sometimes i feel like i'm passing... you wouldn't necessarily know meeting me that i'm the huge dork i am, i don't think (go ahead and tell me if i'm wrong, friends). unless of course, you pulled the chain that disappears under my collar and discovered my cheezy one ring hiding there. and that's just one of the recent steps i've taken toward outward geekiness. and sometimes i see the people who can't seem to do anything (or don't want to do anything) to hide their utter geek/dorkdom and i want to wave and yell, "hey! over here! me too, me too!" but that right there belies my utterly social approach to life. which is what keeps me showering daily and tending to my appearance and those kind of things that it seems the extreme geeks and dorks leave behind for the more engrossing details of other worlds.

ok, i'm not making sense and i'm certainly not getting dressed in a hurry. right. i'll get on that now.

hi mom. hi dad.

i am completely unsure of what to say, think or feel right now.
this issue:
my mother and father have been reading this journal for months and they never said a word to me about it. my dad even has his own journal (emriver - you're the one who said turnabout is fair play).

ok. i do know i'm angry. that they didn't tell me. that's where i feel the violation of trust. i never made it particularly hard for them. if they ever asked, i would have told them. i would have talked about slash. i've always told them just about anything they want to know about me. but this feels entirely different. this was sneaky. my mom calling me and talking to me about things she already knew stuff about... and not telling me. it hurts a lot.

not to mention the sheer embarrassment.

and what to do now? i could get a new journal. but i really don't want to. i like this one just fine thanks. but how can i ask for twincest recs knowing my dad is going to read it? how can i post anything i write? i know i can change the security settings... it's just so against my nature. silly me for thinking it would be against their natures to snoop like that. and i don't care what you guys think you were doing. if you didn't think there was anything wrong with it, if you didn't think i'd mind you reading this, you would have told me months ago. that's a crock of shit and you know it.

my dad has a livejournal. i would have liked to be reading it.

i'm just so. hurt.

meh

ok. well. so. la vie continue. i've tidied up in preparation for the rach's mom's arrival. password locked my computer (good suggestion, ash) and moved my old journals to the bedroom.

my head feels like it's going to split in two from all the crying this afternoon. not a good way to head off to rehearsal. at least it's just the women from my choir tonight. i can tell them i've had a shitty, shitty day and they'll be nice to me. i hope.

hmm... this is most likely my last entry of the evening, as rach's ma will be here soon. if i received any kind, supportive text messages, it certainly wouldn't make me sad. i don't care if i'm fishing for hugs, i need 'em damn it.