had i really made a friend without the help of the norwegian government?

today's sermon title: angels with broken wings. ugh. barf me out the back door sideways. angels? come on, lady. and she chose one of the anthems (and i do not appreciate that but of course i'm all meek and like oh, great choice, sure, we can do that). so we will sing shadow of your wing which will be cheezy and everyone will love it. blah. and then i chose brother james's air. setting of psalm 23. which is delightfully inappropriate for unitarians with all its mentions of god and father etc. but my view is that instead of so much being inappropriate for uus, everything should be considered appropriate - universalist, right? the sermon's about healing and comfort. what could be more appropriate than the gorgeous psalm 23? i find comfort in it and i'm a big, fat atheist.

i'm about to pass out from lack of slash this weekend. arrh! i mean, right, it's good that i went on the sporty picnic-bike ride yesterday. that's good. and that i was, like, social and went to that party rach's friend had for her husband even though i didn't really know anyone. it was an interesting party - diverse, one could say. the people that is. children, old folks, middle ones, many el salvadorans speaking spanish and making me wish i did too, people from lots of other places too. mostly i sat back and watched the kids being cute. then we went to see elling which was delightful. heartwarming and all that. so different from the movies i tend to see lately. norwegian... good for my half midwestern-norwegian, half new york-polish-jew girlfriend to get in touch with her roots.

right, so, with the coffee induced rambling. may i tell you that i *heart* starbuckle? i have said this before, yes? but then she went and made me pretty icons. and wrote from daniel's pov and i so appreciate this and i will probably write about why some time soon. for now, church!

gip

ain't he purdy?

whoops, yeah, going to church now...

may be too personal and depressing for you - be warned

so. i guess i should shut up. because. church today? very moving. me? useless sobbing ball of mush. i made it through the service without absolutely losing my caca. (this has happened only once - losing said caca during a service - and it wasn't fun). but the sermon, though it did begin with some blither about angels... well, it was good. better than her usual. and it hurt. and i was barely able to get out of the church afterward before the waterworks kicked in. and i decided to go with it... and i went to the cemetery in swampscott. waved to my grandparents' graves and headed to my brother's. and spent a long time there. which i think i don't do enough. i have no explanation as a person who believes in nothing for why sitting there makes it easier to think about him and talk to him. yeah, but it does. and it was nice and lonely and quiet and i could cry loud like a child. so i did. until i was tired. and it started raining. i wandered a few rows over and left a flower on hominidj's parents' grave and came home.

it's been 7 years. i don't know what it means that it still hurts this much. i think, in part, i want it to. because, my god, what would it mean if it hurt less?