may be too personal and depressing for you - be warned

[phineasjones]

so. i guess i should shut up. because. church today? very moving. me? useless sobbing ball of mush. i made it through the service without absolutely losing my caca. (this has happened only once - losing said caca during a service - and it wasn't fun). but the sermon, though it did begin with some blither about angels... well, it was good. better than her usual. and it hurt. and i was barely able to get out of the church afterward before the waterworks kicked in. and i decided to go with it... and i went to the cemetery in swampscott. waved to my grandparents' graves and headed to my brother's. and spent a long time there. which i think i don't do enough. i have no explanation as a person who believes in nothing for why sitting there makes it easier to think about him and talk to him. yeah, but it does. and it was nice and lonely and quiet and i could cry loud like a child. so i did. until i was tired. and it started raining. i wandered a few rows over and left a flower on hominidj's parents' grave and came home.

it's been 7 years. i don't know what it means that it still hurts this much. i think, in part, i want it to. because, my god, what would it mean if it hurt less?