(no subject)
Nov. 18th, 2004 04:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
phineasjones::editing out rant against the minster for not showing up since she did show up. just late.::
ok. i will breathe deeply and try to see this as an opportunity to relax for a bit, as this already feels like the longest day that ever was.
i just took my grandfather out to lunch and, while i'm glad to have done it, it was a rather irritating experience. and tiring.
god, i am so tired. but i really want to write about this morning while it's still in my head.
i feel very, very good about the psychiatrist. he's one part of this team i seem to be building of people who i trust to help me sort through all this.
some things that made me feel confident in him: he repeatedly voiced concern that i should be taking vitamins and something like flax seed oil for omega 3 fatty acids. while i have been crap at keeping myself healthy in this way recently, i absolutely believe in it being fundamentally important to my general well-being and really appreciate that he recognizes that too. he wants me to have a blood test. he wants to see me again - probably a few times but at least once more before he prescribes anything. and, possibly most important to me, he focused on the everyday details of my issues - those little things that build up over time to create anxiety and depression and that make me frickin insane. and he barely asked about things like my brother. and it's not that i don't think that's important but it's been my instinct for a while that that's not really at the core of what's going on with me.
and i think he would agree with that, because he seems pretty well convinced that i have ADD. well, sort of. he wants me to be tested but says it will take a while for me to get an appointment at the center (bc they're backed up). and he's reluctant to just diagnose something so complicated after one meeting - which i also appreciate. but that's what he's likely to recommend treatment for and it's what he thinks it's most likely that i'm dealing with.
which... wow. i don't know. it's kind of huge.
but i feel mostly good about it. and partly because of this exchange we had.... he was asking why i thought ADD might be a factor and i told him about talking to lynn and about taking online tests that screened for the possibility. and told him that much of it really resonated with me, felt very familiar. i had trouble remembering which specific parts because it had been a while. so he asked questions. one question was whether i'm late a lot. and yes, i am and i hate it. i used to be chronically early to everything because i was so afraid of being late. now i barely make it or am late. all the time. and it's not necessarily for lack of time. i'm always rushing out the door after not giving myself enough time to get ready. so then it went like this:
him: this morning you were supposed to be here 15 minutes early but you got here, what? 5 minutes early?
me: ::cringing:: yes.
him: why? what happened this morning?
me: i left too much to do in too little time.
him: like what?
me: well, the least urgent thing - writing/reading lj - is the thing i spent the most time on. and then i had to pay late bills and get ready to leave for boston...
him: you had to pay late bills this morning before you left?
me: yes.
him: why this morning?
me: because they were already late and if i didn't pay them this morning it would be another two days before i could...
him: but you could have paid them, say, last night?
me: yes. ::gesture of exasperation with self::
him: i'm not trying to chastise your behavior or anything, i'm just trying to see the pattern. so, you had to do this and you knew you did and you left it to the last possible moment - as you saw it - and then it made you late. and you're probably frustrated and angry at yourself over it and it seems like just another failure. and you're just barely doing it. you're just scraping by. just scraping by when you always thought you'd be doing more. you know you can do more and be more than this but it never happens. and it's frustrating and it makes you so, so sad.
me: ::cannot talk for the sobbing::
really, what i wrote here isn't exactly what he said and i feel like he was more eloquent. and i pretty much broke down. it was eerie on one hand and a relief on another to hear my thought process come out of his mouth like that. and in my dramatic state i want to fall at his feet and scream, 'ok! ok then! you understand! now fix it!'
and we all know it's never that easy. he says it's likely he'll prescribe a stimulant - something like ritalin - and he recommended some books on ADD. and there are various scary elements to that - not the least of which is that basically i would be medicated on an as needed basis, determined by me. that seems like a problematic concept to me, with my issues.
but man. i feel so hopeful now. this still may not be ADD but at least ruling that out would even be something. a step forward. forward! seems like a very lovely direction.
ok. so. right now, i'm headed in the direction of the minister's couch for a quick nap. i'm exhausted and also feeing a bit nauseated. i'm not sure what that's about.
ok. i will breathe deeply and try to see this as an opportunity to relax for a bit, as this already feels like the longest day that ever was.
i just took my grandfather out to lunch and, while i'm glad to have done it, it was a rather irritating experience. and tiring.
god, i am so tired. but i really want to write about this morning while it's still in my head.
i feel very, very good about the psychiatrist. he's one part of this team i seem to be building of people who i trust to help me sort through all this.
some things that made me feel confident in him: he repeatedly voiced concern that i should be taking vitamins and something like flax seed oil for omega 3 fatty acids. while i have been crap at keeping myself healthy in this way recently, i absolutely believe in it being fundamentally important to my general well-being and really appreciate that he recognizes that too. he wants me to have a blood test. he wants to see me again - probably a few times but at least once more before he prescribes anything. and, possibly most important to me, he focused on the everyday details of my issues - those little things that build up over time to create anxiety and depression and that make me frickin insane. and he barely asked about things like my brother. and it's not that i don't think that's important but it's been my instinct for a while that that's not really at the core of what's going on with me.
and i think he would agree with that, because he seems pretty well convinced that i have ADD. well, sort of. he wants me to be tested but says it will take a while for me to get an appointment at the center (bc they're backed up). and he's reluctant to just diagnose something so complicated after one meeting - which i also appreciate. but that's what he's likely to recommend treatment for and it's what he thinks it's most likely that i'm dealing with.
which... wow. i don't know. it's kind of huge.
but i feel mostly good about it. and partly because of this exchange we had.... he was asking why i thought ADD might be a factor and i told him about talking to lynn and about taking online tests that screened for the possibility. and told him that much of it really resonated with me, felt very familiar. i had trouble remembering which specific parts because it had been a while. so he asked questions. one question was whether i'm late a lot. and yes, i am and i hate it. i used to be chronically early to everything because i was so afraid of being late. now i barely make it or am late. all the time. and it's not necessarily for lack of time. i'm always rushing out the door after not giving myself enough time to get ready. so then it went like this:
him: this morning you were supposed to be here 15 minutes early but you got here, what? 5 minutes early?
me: ::cringing:: yes.
him: why? what happened this morning?
me: i left too much to do in too little time.
him: like what?
me: well, the least urgent thing - writing/reading lj - is the thing i spent the most time on. and then i had to pay late bills and get ready to leave for boston...
him: you had to pay late bills this morning before you left?
me: yes.
him: why this morning?
me: because they were already late and if i didn't pay them this morning it would be another two days before i could...
him: but you could have paid them, say, last night?
me: yes. ::gesture of exasperation with self::
him: i'm not trying to chastise your behavior or anything, i'm just trying to see the pattern. so, you had to do this and you knew you did and you left it to the last possible moment - as you saw it - and then it made you late. and you're probably frustrated and angry at yourself over it and it seems like just another failure. and you're just barely doing it. you're just scraping by. just scraping by when you always thought you'd be doing more. you know you can do more and be more than this but it never happens. and it's frustrating and it makes you so, so sad.
me: ::cannot talk for the sobbing::
really, what i wrote here isn't exactly what he said and i feel like he was more eloquent. and i pretty much broke down. it was eerie on one hand and a relief on another to hear my thought process come out of his mouth like that. and in my dramatic state i want to fall at his feet and scream, 'ok! ok then! you understand! now fix it!'
and we all know it's never that easy. he says it's likely he'll prescribe a stimulant - something like ritalin - and he recommended some books on ADD. and there are various scary elements to that - not the least of which is that basically i would be medicated on an as needed basis, determined by me. that seems like a problematic concept to me, with my issues.
but man. i feel so hopeful now. this still may not be ADD but at least ruling that out would even be something. a step forward. forward! seems like a very lovely direction.
ok. so. right now, i'm headed in the direction of the minister's couch for a quick nap. i'm exhausted and also feeing a bit nauseated. i'm not sure what that's about.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2004-11-18 02:48 pm (UTC)so, at least know that you aren't alone. ... i was interested to hear from my Dr. that they have a new formulation of adult ADD meds that is a 24-hour non-stimulant pill. you take it once a day, regularly, and that's that.
forward is good. :-)
(no subject)
Date: 2004-11-18 04:13 pm (UTC)I always ruled out ADD for myself because I see myself as totally focused and organized. I'm beginning to think that's a myth I created for myself that I use to beat myself up with now. argh. good times.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-11-18 09:16 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-11-19 07:47 am (UTC)::hugs::