delkhiin devjeed denselgesen shargad
Jul. 1st, 2004 07:30 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
phineasjonesi respect lj for owning up to it's assholeness. if you had a paid account anytime in june, get two weeks free. and looking at that tells me my renewal is coming up. already? how can it be?
i took that personality quiz everyone is doing. and omg, it is wrong like the wrongest of very wrong things. unless my perception of myself is not at all based in reality.
You are an SEDF--Sober Emotional Destructive Follower. This makes you an evil genius. You are extremely focused and difficult to distract from your tasks. With luck, you have learned to channel your energies into improving your intellect, rather than destroying the weak and unsuspecting.
Your friends may find you remote and a hard nut to crack. Few of your peers know you very well--even those you have known a long time--because you have expert control of the face you put forth to the world. You prefer to observe, calculate, discern and decide. Your decisions are final, and your desire to be right is impenetrable.
You are not to be messed with. You may explode.
so. i don't necessarily feel much less tired than i did last night. but i'm more highly caffeinated. that counts for something. the first night, while on break during the seminar, G told anney and me that due to overload and lack of sleep, people start breaking down midway through the week of the workshop. and i thought, heh, that's funny. clearly, that won't happen to me. why would i break down? except, um. i'm so tired. focusing is difficult and the thoughts in my head when i came home last night were more or less: i suck. why am trying to be a musician. clearly, i am on the wrong career path and should be pursuing a life of administrative assistantship. i'm not fooling anyone, might as well drop out now and save myself some pain. which, i suppose, could be considered a breakdown of sorts. things aren't so bleak this morning, but i'm not feeling entirely chipper either.
the day started well. with bach - so how could it not be a good start? and i wasn't feeling sharp as a tack but i was doing as well and anyone else, i even managed to notice when P was singing an A flat when it should have been a natural. yeah, correcting someone like him can give me a little buzz, pathetic but true. and then we sang some jazz (kind of boring to me) and worked in small groups. and then lunch and anney and i found the piece bob had suggested and went to try it out and had what was probably our worst practice session ever. in retrospect, i'd say the problems were the little practice room and our way-too-slow tempo, but at the time it just felt icky. we sang it for bob in a big room at a good tempo and suddenly it was much, much better.
and then back to group. we sang our mongolian piece, the words to which i still have no real clue about. i'm mumbling my way though, even my two measures of solo. i love the piece though. and then... we read a bunch of stuff for fun. including a 16 voice gabrieli piece that we read from parts - instead of the choral score. i don't think i've done so much counting since junior high band. it was really fun, even if i had a very middle part - i would always prefer to be as high as possible, just for comfort. and then, more with the small groups. our handl was going well. the small groups then sang for each other. ours was pretty. but that's all it really is. pretty. the piece is nice but it's not particularly difficult or interesting to me. same with the other small group assignment i had.
then renaissance dancing. anney and i wowed them all with our flirtatious dancing. ;) then, thank god, a break for dinner.
and then seminar. my small group sang. we messed up. all of us. we got through it but as soon as we were done, M asked, 'can we do it again?' and we got a lecture about insulting the audience by apologizing before they had a chance to decided for themselves whether the performance was good. ok, fine. but they went on about it for a while as though we were children and thinking about it now, i'm annoyed. but we did sing it again and messed up less, but i still messed up. which infuriates me. because it's not a difficult piece and i've sung it perfectly dozens of times. but now i feel like the only impression they really have of me is messing up this not very difficult piece. and WHY did i mess up? i think it was a focus issue more than anything. this seems to keep happening to me in auditions and performances. i check out just long enough to screw up and then i catch up and am fine again. but why the check out? i am frustrated.
and then the other groups went and they were good. anney's group sounded gorgeous and they lavished well-deserved praise on anney and her gorgeous voice. and i feel totally happy for her but at the same time i'm grumpy that i haven't done anything so praise-worthy. yeah, i'm a soprano, what can i say? so this lead to my breakdown-ish thoughts of 'clearly, everyone is better than i am so what's the point?' which are still lingering in my mind this morning. though writing them here makes them seem sillier than they do when i'm just fretting to myself.
i guess the thing is that i can't do anything with this desire to shout at them, 'i'm better than you think i am!' because that's not really acceptable behavior. and during my one chance to show them that, i screwed up and showed them that i couldn't hold an easy part instead. and so instead, i end up thinking... maybe i am only as good as they think i am.
and maybe i just need a solid eight hours of sleep.
today is a different schedule. we have a bunch of afternoon free. i plan to get some practice in. and bob is giving a lecture/group sing on the evolution of medieval music. i'm looking forward to that. and tonight is 'silly seminar,' which may bring extreme dorkiness but will probably be entertaining. oh, also, today is silly t-shirt day. i think the silliest one i have is my merry and pippin t-shirt. so that it will be.
i took that personality quiz everyone is doing. and omg, it is wrong like the wrongest of very wrong things. unless my perception of myself is not at all based in reality.
You are an SEDF--Sober Emotional Destructive Follower. This makes you an evil genius. You are extremely focused and difficult to distract from your tasks. With luck, you have learned to channel your energies into improving your intellect, rather than destroying the weak and unsuspecting.
Your friends may find you remote and a hard nut to crack. Few of your peers know you very well--even those you have known a long time--because you have expert control of the face you put forth to the world. You prefer to observe, calculate, discern and decide. Your decisions are final, and your desire to be right is impenetrable.
You are not to be messed with. You may explode.
so. i don't necessarily feel much less tired than i did last night. but i'm more highly caffeinated. that counts for something. the first night, while on break during the seminar, G told anney and me that due to overload and lack of sleep, people start breaking down midway through the week of the workshop. and i thought, heh, that's funny. clearly, that won't happen to me. why would i break down? except, um. i'm so tired. focusing is difficult and the thoughts in my head when i came home last night were more or less: i suck. why am trying to be a musician. clearly, i am on the wrong career path and should be pursuing a life of administrative assistantship. i'm not fooling anyone, might as well drop out now and save myself some pain. which, i suppose, could be considered a breakdown of sorts. things aren't so bleak this morning, but i'm not feeling entirely chipper either.
the day started well. with bach - so how could it not be a good start? and i wasn't feeling sharp as a tack but i was doing as well and anyone else, i even managed to notice when P was singing an A flat when it should have been a natural. yeah, correcting someone like him can give me a little buzz, pathetic but true. and then we sang some jazz (kind of boring to me) and worked in small groups. and then lunch and anney and i found the piece bob had suggested and went to try it out and had what was probably our worst practice session ever. in retrospect, i'd say the problems were the little practice room and our way-too-slow tempo, but at the time it just felt icky. we sang it for bob in a big room at a good tempo and suddenly it was much, much better.
and then back to group. we sang our mongolian piece, the words to which i still have no real clue about. i'm mumbling my way though, even my two measures of solo. i love the piece though. and then... we read a bunch of stuff for fun. including a 16 voice gabrieli piece that we read from parts - instead of the choral score. i don't think i've done so much counting since junior high band. it was really fun, even if i had a very middle part - i would always prefer to be as high as possible, just for comfort. and then, more with the small groups. our handl was going well. the small groups then sang for each other. ours was pretty. but that's all it really is. pretty. the piece is nice but it's not particularly difficult or interesting to me. same with the other small group assignment i had.
then renaissance dancing. anney and i wowed them all with our flirtatious dancing. ;) then, thank god, a break for dinner.
and then seminar. my small group sang. we messed up. all of us. we got through it but as soon as we were done, M asked, 'can we do it again?' and we got a lecture about insulting the audience by apologizing before they had a chance to decided for themselves whether the performance was good. ok, fine. but they went on about it for a while as though we were children and thinking about it now, i'm annoyed. but we did sing it again and messed up less, but i still messed up. which infuriates me. because it's not a difficult piece and i've sung it perfectly dozens of times. but now i feel like the only impression they really have of me is messing up this not very difficult piece. and WHY did i mess up? i think it was a focus issue more than anything. this seems to keep happening to me in auditions and performances. i check out just long enough to screw up and then i catch up and am fine again. but why the check out? i am frustrated.
and then the other groups went and they were good. anney's group sounded gorgeous and they lavished well-deserved praise on anney and her gorgeous voice. and i feel totally happy for her but at the same time i'm grumpy that i haven't done anything so praise-worthy. yeah, i'm a soprano, what can i say? so this lead to my breakdown-ish thoughts of 'clearly, everyone is better than i am so what's the point?' which are still lingering in my mind this morning. though writing them here makes them seem sillier than they do when i'm just fretting to myself.
i guess the thing is that i can't do anything with this desire to shout at them, 'i'm better than you think i am!' because that's not really acceptable behavior. and during my one chance to show them that, i screwed up and showed them that i couldn't hold an easy part instead. and so instead, i end up thinking... maybe i am only as good as they think i am.
and maybe i just need a solid eight hours of sleep.
today is a different schedule. we have a bunch of afternoon free. i plan to get some practice in. and bob is giving a lecture/group sing on the evolution of medieval music. i'm looking forward to that. and tonight is 'silly seminar,' which may bring extreme dorkiness but will probably be entertaining. oh, also, today is silly t-shirt day. i think the silliest one i have is my merry and pippin t-shirt. so that it will be.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-01 04:48 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-01 04:55 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-01 07:12 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-01 10:30 am (UTC)omg, that's the wrongest wrong personality assessment I've ever seen. ahaha! as well as: wtf?
I so hear you on the "what if I'm only as good as they think I am?" horrible self-destructive thoughts. That's been about 80% of my emotional life for the past three weeks. Bad bad bad. And yet damn near impossible to really combat. So frustrating. I know I don't really know how good you are musically and whatnot (I'll point that out myself before your subconscious uses it to invalidate my praise *g*), but for what it's worth, you rock and are damn good and one of these times you'll show them that you're just as good as you know you are (also, it seems fairly unlikely, from an objective pov, that they're going around thinking that you suck. It's not like they've never been off their game before). ::waves phin flag::
::loves::
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-01 10:32 am (UTC)