(no subject)
Mar. 5th, 2005 01:59 pmi've been out of bed for about two hours. ::sheepish grin:: we had slight flight delays and other mundane misfortunes* yesterday and didn't get home until 2 am. my luggage is still not home. supposedly, it will be arriving sometime this afternoon. let's hope.
life feels kind of unreal right now. i pushed so many things out of my mental space to make room for this audition and this trip... and now i kind of get to decide which things to let back in and how far. it's also weird that it all happened during what i consider to be a time of great personal change for me anyway. and now i get to go back to that whole... process or whatever... yeah, i'm not making much sense. there's just a lot to think about, is all i'm saying. and i'm in a re-prioritizing place, and it's unusual but feels pretty exciting.
also, i'm about to be 30. 30!!! in... ::counts:: 16 days. i really want to do something big and fun and crazy, i just don't know what that will be.
i also want to do something fun and crazy tonight. something that involves guilt-free alcohol consumption would be especially good. because, yes, in the weeks leading up to this audition, i had not a drop - not one! - for fear that it would weaken my system and i would get sick.
yeah, i really just haven't written much here about this whole process, have i? about how every day for the past several weeks i've been on a strict schedule of activities - some directly in preparation for the audition (practice, research, etc) and some just to keep me alive and functioning (yoga, journaling, walking, etc) as anxiety threatened to overtake me. it has been intense.
and the result? i don't know. i won't know for possibly a few weeks. but it's out of my hands and that feels SO good. i know i didn't exactly "wow" them. i was nervous, the pace of the rehearsal wasn't great. but i know i demonstrated that i could hear and fix problems and i, personally, think that's a big deal. the day of the audition, i met for an hour with each of the professors - K and C. i thought K seemed lukewarm. he tried to scare me a little, maybe. but i was impressed with myself that when he offered me his feedback on the audition, i took it readily and with no cringing or defensiveness. i think his feedback was good and helpful and, as i told him, it's exactly why i would want to be in a program like this. C seemed warmer, which surprised me as she is known for being the colder of the two. she gave me some sight-singing to do (omg so easy, not a problem) and some dictation (easy as dictation goes, i'm not great at it) and we talked about my experience etc.
so, i don't know. K is the one who later sent the e-mail that said it seemed like i would "fit in nicely," which was particularly nice to hear from him since he was the one i had felt less enthusiasm from. C is away for a few days so i don't know when they'll be discussing and making their decisions. the decision is both about general acceptance into the program and about assistantships. there's only really one available assistantship right now, so that's the most contentious part. assistantships cover tuition and provide a stipend. it's a huge deal.
but again, while i am eager to hear... it feels NOTHING like the anxiety i'd been experiencing up until this tuesday. that disappeared the moment i thanked the choir and sat down. literally, that second. i didn't even feel it in my meetings with the profs, not while sight-reading or anything. weird. but good.
now i can indulge minor worries, like where my luggage might be. :)
*rach's clever and appropriate term - signifying that many things occurred which aggravated us but would bore you should we tell you the stories
life feels kind of unreal right now. i pushed so many things out of my mental space to make room for this audition and this trip... and now i kind of get to decide which things to let back in and how far. it's also weird that it all happened during what i consider to be a time of great personal change for me anyway. and now i get to go back to that whole... process or whatever... yeah, i'm not making much sense. there's just a lot to think about, is all i'm saying. and i'm in a re-prioritizing place, and it's unusual but feels pretty exciting.
also, i'm about to be 30. 30!!! in... ::counts:: 16 days. i really want to do something big and fun and crazy, i just don't know what that will be.
i also want to do something fun and crazy tonight. something that involves guilt-free alcohol consumption would be especially good. because, yes, in the weeks leading up to this audition, i had not a drop - not one! - for fear that it would weaken my system and i would get sick.
yeah, i really just haven't written much here about this whole process, have i? about how every day for the past several weeks i've been on a strict schedule of activities - some directly in preparation for the audition (practice, research, etc) and some just to keep me alive and functioning (yoga, journaling, walking, etc) as anxiety threatened to overtake me. it has been intense.
and the result? i don't know. i won't know for possibly a few weeks. but it's out of my hands and that feels SO good. i know i didn't exactly "wow" them. i was nervous, the pace of the rehearsal wasn't great. but i know i demonstrated that i could hear and fix problems and i, personally, think that's a big deal. the day of the audition, i met for an hour with each of the professors - K and C. i thought K seemed lukewarm. he tried to scare me a little, maybe. but i was impressed with myself that when he offered me his feedback on the audition, i took it readily and with no cringing or defensiveness. i think his feedback was good and helpful and, as i told him, it's exactly why i would want to be in a program like this. C seemed warmer, which surprised me as she is known for being the colder of the two. she gave me some sight-singing to do (omg so easy, not a problem) and some dictation (easy as dictation goes, i'm not great at it) and we talked about my experience etc.
so, i don't know. K is the one who later sent the e-mail that said it seemed like i would "fit in nicely," which was particularly nice to hear from him since he was the one i had felt less enthusiasm from. C is away for a few days so i don't know when they'll be discussing and making their decisions. the decision is both about general acceptance into the program and about assistantships. there's only really one available assistantship right now, so that's the most contentious part. assistantships cover tuition and provide a stipend. it's a huge deal.
but again, while i am eager to hear... it feels NOTHING like the anxiety i'd been experiencing up until this tuesday. that disappeared the moment i thanked the choir and sat down. literally, that second. i didn't even feel it in my meetings with the profs, not while sight-reading or anything. weird. but good.
now i can indulge minor worries, like where my luggage might be. :)
*rach's clever and appropriate term - signifying that many things occurred which aggravated us but would bore you should we tell you the stories
